Angry Mailbox

NEARLY NEAR

2011-11-27T23:59:00.002-07:00

Coming soon:

-Screwballs Across America: Texas Chainsaw Edition
-Music for 2011 and stuff
-Updatez

Oh, I got interviewed a couple of months ago. That was neat.

Okay. I'll get back on the horse. Just not tonight.

Lost In Spades

2011-02-19T01:03:00.004-07:00

wake me up

Currently enjoying:

-A night at home by myself
-raspberry/vanilla yogurt
-Radiohead's The King of Limbs, in particular the last half, and currently in this order of liking: Codex>Separator>Giving Up the Ghost>Lotus Flower, but that don't mean much past this minute now does it? I'm glad 'mouse dog bird' made the cut.

My heels are cracked. I would like to slowly peel the thick skin off, but that has proved too time consuming/dangerous.

Sing sing. I need time.

So I took it. Off to Fairmont tomorrow with D, Spencer & his pelvic affiliate. Just a week, but should be good fun. I can get a lot of work done that needs to be done, and hopefully free up brain space.

Not to mention watching this gem:

Run! Bitch Run! Trailer from Freak Show Entertainment on Vimeo.

Oh dear! That's a lot of bitches.

But how are you?

SHITTY DRANK

2010-10-24T01:06:00.002-06:00

I am making shitty iced tea. That's the kind that comes in a magic powder container. You put the water on top of the flavour dust and magic happens. SHITTY ICED TEA. With no ice.

My brains are in fine form, clearly. Things have been busy busy busy, gang. We start our annual fundraiser at the station on Wednesday. The prep for it has been quite the learning experience. Namely the lack of prep part. I know I'm a mess a lot of the time, but there are certain things that I need to be really organized about. I believe the only thing keeping me from actually being organized is my inability to deal with large messes.

Time for iced tea.

High fidelty lovers in a lo-fi land.

2010-04-04T12:59:00.002-06:00

Had my first anxiety attack in about three years yesterday. Buried myself in my closet til I was able to crawl back out and see the sun.

Don't know why the brain is so fucky, but the last week has been a busy one, so obvs.

Putting everything off is no good. Gotta go. Gotta get away. Gotta finish. Maybe, baby. Been putting records on backwards and holding messages up to mirrors. Still the same. Hmm. Locked in, though.

Underdogs still fits like a old shirt.

Maybe this one should have been called Change of Season.

2010-03-17T14:57:00.001-06:00

I see you, idiot.

Brinx Job Episode 1

2010-03-17T10:45:00.003-06:00

Last night I ended up staying at the station late enough to do a fill-in show for a bunch of high school kids. It was great, plus we had 3 people phone in, which is actually a lot.

Anyways, since I never put radio stuff up here, I thought I would share the episode. This was the first time I actually pulled my logs after and built a podcast out of them.

I hosted with my coworker Mike.

PS - Working at a radio station is awesome. Fact.

Stephen Malkmus - s/t - The Hook

Lyra Brown - She Said She Said [Beatles cover]

Dum Dum Girls - Jail La La 7" - Jail La La

Frank Turner - Poetry of the Deed - Live Fast, Die Old

Mixtapes - Maps - Hope Springs Eternal

Tera Melos - Idioms Volume One - Blast Off! [Weezer cover]

Brazilian Money - Friendly Neighbor - Big Money

Myelin Sheaths - CJSW Sweet Treats - Do the Mental Twist

the Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gimme Skelter - Shot Down

Audio/Rocketry - Eastward + Onward - Ramblin' Shoes

Fake Problems - Dream Team 7" - Heartless

the Castaways - Nuggets Volume One - Liar, Liar

Hellsongs - Hymns in the Key of 666 - Paranoid [Black Sabbath cover]

Ted Leo & the Pharmacists - The Tyranny of Distance - The Golden Finch and the Red Oak Tree

Shirley Lee - s/t - London Ghost Stories

2010-03-15T21:12:00.003-06:00

So many things.

I have a new job. Woot. Still have the old one, too, because I'm hard like that. So I'm working 50+ hours a week, usually. I like it. I'm a Music Librarian. It's the tops!

Anyway, the job is great, and I could do it all day if they let me.

THINGS:
-car insurance
-new car
-letters
-cleaning

It's early spring round these parts. Beautiful times for solo living. And for not that.

Vouloir?

2010-01-20T03:48:00.003-07:00

It was all prefab art and cheap perfume. And too fat for my taste but two cats so okay. Wasted, drunk, a spindle. Goodnight Desdemona, I'm going home alone again.

Soul Survivor

2009-12-21T02:25:00.004-07:00

A decade. I made it. Time for resolve. Resolutions and dissolutions.

You need not hope for answers yet.

Dues are paid. Stars align to make changes. Seize. Throttle. Destroy.

Without guidance I would be worried that I was a beast made of black poison. Or a self-righteous lunatic. But I'm not these things. My brain is leaky and full of devils. My heart is leaky and full of gold. My eyes can see into the Twilight Zone and all the could'ves that mercifully aren't.

A decade of burned bridges. A decade of mistakes. A decade, and no regrets.

Enjoy the longest night. I killed the Monster.

Blow vember

2009-11-16T16:35:00.007-07:00

Home sweet home.

It took a while, but I'm finally settled in. It's funny, the day I moved in they had just cleaned the carpets, so I couldn't actually put any of my furniture in the living room. Everything I owned had to be Tetris-stacked in the kitchen and storage room. Made for a fun second day (naturally, when I finished moving all of the stuff in, I went out and got drunk). The thing is, I felt immediately more at home here than at the old place, or really, any place I'd ever lived, save for my grandparents' house, which is always home.

So I took my time and got the furniture exactly how I like it. Set up my record player and it of course wouldn't work. Somehow the belt had come off during the move. After a week of trying to figure it out I resolved myself to the idea of buying a sexy brand new Rega P1.

Ain't she sweet?

I was explaining my problem to my dad yesterday and through some kind of divine intervention he actually suggested something that was totally genius. I was showing him the problem (there is too much belt, where do I put it? What does it wrap around?") when he asked if any of the things inside had belt marks on them. No, I realized, and when I got home flipped over the removed sub platter and saw the missing belt marks. Turns out it works the same as any other record player and that I'm a total idiot. So the turntable is fixed, and today I celebrated with Pig Lib on sweet sweet vinyl. Delicious.

Daisy returned home this week too. Three weeks without her here did a lot for my confidence levels. Now I'm back to this weird feeling of dread and anxiety.

She's actually in the other room right now marking English papers. Helped with the hanging of pictures and rearranging of things. The place looks good, and to be honest I was looking forward to her coming home because I knew she would straighten things out. These little domestic pictures we paint don't seem to bother me at all, or at least, they wouldn't if they were legit.
A quick run to Ikea, to Home Depot, to the grocery store and back home to make supper.
I was at one point so close to that being a reality with the absolute wrong person. I avoid that kind of domesticity like the fucking plague, and so does she. I don't know why we both slide into that mold so easily.

It would be easy to point to the stars, but I can't.

After months of repeating myself, what else can I say to "what is wrong?" Nothing is usually the best answer. It says everything. "That is not true." But what else can I say?

Death of Loserco

2009-10-31T03:51:00.002-06:00

4 am now.

So hungry. Can't sleep. Like a crackhead, I'm cleaning what's left to be cleaned.

Tonight is the last night is the place I've called home for 3 years. I'll maybe sleep now, as tomorrow will be busy all day. My fingers smell like bleach.

Jon5 will be over tomorrow to help with the move. Then it's all LOSERCO 2.0, bitches.

FACT:
I've kept every penny I've ever found from 1984. It's like, I think they're lucky. I have two rolls of them, plus a few more just laying around. I keep one in the tiny pocket of every pair of jeans I own.

Weirddd.

Goodbye home. See you tomorrow.

Ramblin' ambitions

2009-10-27T23:55:00.003-06:00

Long day.

Every Tuesday I host a radio show on CJSR called Makin' Whoopee. I didn't name it. 3 and a half years I've done this show now. Today we had a pre-Halloween special. My usual co-host is in Vancouver seeing U2 so I brought my friend Bo on instead. I like it. Playing music for people is the awesomest thing in the world sometimes, especially on days like today when I am inspired by EVIL to make a themed set.

Over the last year we've been getting a more dedicated fan base, and we started podcasting our shows via our website and people actually download it. We have dozens of people that actually choose to listen to our show now. I find that so hard to believe. For our fundraising episode (the joys of community radio) we pulled in an unexpected 3 grand, leading me to think that hey, maybe we've got something here. MAYBE, Colin and I are good at radio.

So this new found confidence combines with my love of playing music and I start thinking "Hey, maybe I flunked out of school for a reason. Maybe it's because I don't like it." I tried doing correspondence courses this year. Well, I mean, I bought one course and didn't do one page, nay, one word of work on it, and then just returned it. FAIL AT TRYING.
So maybe I should think about not going back to finish the degree I failed to get. Why should I do 8 courses at some internet school so that I can go back to real school to get a degree that I will not use to be a teacher? We're looking at at least 3 more years of school there.
Or maybe, maybe, maybe, I should think about broadcasting school. Radio. Full time. Imagine working at the CBC. Actually doing work in a field that I find exciting. There is a lot of thinking to do before I make this a real goal, but I need a real goal. And I mean, why not try this? I'm 25 years old and I've been working in a liquor store for the last 6 years. I don't want to still be there when I'm 30.

I can do this. Do I want to?

Thugs in Perpetuity

2009-10-26T20:56:00.002-06:00

A date?

Not a good one. Pretty early on I got that feeling...we have nothing in common, really, and I don't know how long I can fake it...

I don't usually feel like I'm not the least bit interesting. That was neat.

So I'm home not even two hours later. As a bonus, I stopped at a record store and picked up both My Bloody Valentine LPs, Isn't Anything and Loveless. I'd been meaning to buy them for ages, and it just felt like a good move tonight. Never mind the fact that I shouldn't be spending on non-essentials.

To prepare for date town I spent all day packing. I took down all the posters in my room and it looks terrifying. Oh well. 6 more sleeps here.

What the fuck am I doing?

Brain Damage

2009-10-25T22:47:00.005-06:00

Never mind, I totally got drunk.

I've spent the entire day floating through hangover land. One thing about the Garneau: the beer will kill you. That won't stop me from drinking it, but I know there's something not quite right about it. I like it, though, it reminds me of the bars back home. And the jukebox is basically perfect.

So today my landlord started showing off my suite. I didn't want to be around for it so I took off. I went to London Drugs to buy a mop, but I forgot to put my cheque in the bank and thus was out of funds. No mop. To kill time I stopped by the BIG MALL on the way to work. I do that sometimes. I don't know why. I really hate that mall, but there is a quality to it that I find very relaxing. I've been going there since I was a kid, and I guess that makes it comfortable? I don't know. So I mallratted for a few hours, looking at things and not buying them. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied on the move. So I went to some home stores, pretended to be someone with cash in their pockets.

I ate in the food court and watched dads have awkward mall days with their teenage daughters. I don't want kids, really. But I know that if I do, and they're girls, I'd be wrapped around their finger for life. What is that like, I wonder? And then the awkward mall days? The attempts at bonding? Sometimes I have dreams...that kid is in them. She's mine. It weirds me out.

"Hey kiddo."

Transport is Arranged

2009-10-24T16:46:00.003-06:00

So I'm moving for the first time in 3 years. Back to the south side of the river, and that is good. I'll be closer to my friends and the Garneau Pub, in fact within stumbling distance, so that is a bonus. A block away from Trouble, but I think I can handle that. Maybe in the summer I can ride my bike places again. Woot.

So the fun part is all the packing I'm doing. Oh boy. I don't like seeing everything come down. I've spent a lot of time making this place my home. But LOSERCO soldiers on.

Tonight I'm going to run around in a corn maze. I won't even be drunk.

Can Man Frisco

2009-06-17T22:22:00.002-06:00

I just spent a week in San Francisco with my parents. I survived! And now I 'm home. This is the last trip I take with them. I just can't do it anymore. But the dues are paid.

My parents like to be tourists. I don't. So we did tons of touristy things...like see Alcatraz. It was cooler than I thought, I'll give it that. Did a bus tour...drank a lot of beer. I took notes , I just need to find my book. Hold on a minute...

Ah, yes.

I'm kind of tired of explaining it all already. We found a bar called Kennedy's Irish Pub and Curry House. Seriously. They had a large beer selection with like 4 different porters, and I drank them all. Delicious. Black Butte was memorably tasty...I had it a few times on the trip. The bar also gave out free pint tokens, which is mad science if you ask me. So many drinks...so much indian food.
I brought Franny & Zooey but only had time to read the first part. Makes me feel that peculiar kind of sad that only Salinger ever makes me feel.
Alcatraz...covered in flowers and seagulls. A jail, a grenade blast, sunburn.

Saw a candy store called Candy Baron (funny) that I wished was called Baron Can-dy (don't bother laughing).

What is with 4-D movies? Is this the new EXTREME 3-D? The fourth dimension is like, time, isn't it? Do you come out of the theatre in time to tell yourself to not bother going in? 4-D?

Day 2 was spent in Haight-Ashbury. 40 years too late for anything to be important, but still in time to see the '60s hollow legacy. Ben & Jerry's? Almost got to drink at Toronado's but my parents weren't down. FUCK. Did get to shop at Amoeba Records, where I spent like $200. Good grief. Some theater was playing the original cut of the Warriors, which if you don't know is the greatest film of all time. Parents were also not down with that. How did I come from them?

Bust tour. Painted Ladies (houses. Ahh....). The Bridge (windy. can't breathe.) Golden Hills. Beauty. I'm so tired all the time because my dad snores louder than a truck parked on my face. No sleeps. Gah. Text messages from Heaven.

Glory.

So it continued. Saw some of Berkeley. The whole point of the trip, however, was to see the Hip play the Fillmore. Wow. A great show... good setlist but an audience of douchebags. I was irritated most of the time. So the trip is a loss, I guess.

We played botchiball at a vineyard called Ceja, I think. That was rad. But I was distracted by messages from England...welcome distractions....sanity keeping ones.

Plane home is 3 and a half hours late....let me out.....landing in Edmonton once again brings that feeling .. "I don't want to be here anymore" At least not without you. Or just us, elsewhere.

Eyes like satellites.

2009-06-15T12:31:00.002-06:00

I'm very sure I asked you to not read this.

Tricky. Wink emoticon here.

And the list goes on...

2009-05-28T09:39:00.003-06:00

So Mr Transmission guy tells me there is nothing wrong with my transmission, that something else is blocking the engine from getting enough power for the shifting...so the guy just pins the throttle until whatever is blocking whatever comes loose and now my car is driving normally again. Awesome?

So after work last night I get home sweet home and am looking forward to some scrabble destruction from the wrong end of a chaingun when I park....and can't turn off my car. The key won't turn backwards to disengage the engine. What the fuck? So I get all the way back out to Spruce and using some third hand mechanical advice, unplug fuses until the car just turns off. Then I unhook the battery to keep it from draining and voila, totally fucked up.

On the bright side, I got to the mechanics bright and early and my car is the first one they looked at because I beat all the appointments in. Early bird gets the car fixins.

SPRUVE, why ya gotta be so mean to me? Also, today is my day off. I was going to go see Terminator: Salvation, which I guess I can still do out here...I don't know. I want my car back by 5:30.

The internet tells me that my problem is something called an actuator rod...we'll see how right that is.

FML.

Carlamities abound!

2009-05-25T17:42:00.003-06:00

Having a house guest for a week was really nice, especially an old friend. I was worried it was going to be emotionally exhausting and kind of terrible, but she's feeling really strong and not broken. I'm glad. And now she moves to France and then Scotland forever. Amazing.

So I'm still here, and I don't know why. Making the most of my time by cleaning my room and dusting. It's a good chance to listen to records so that I can file them. I refuse to actually put them away until they have touched the needle (Exception to this rule: Bruce Willis' Return of Bruno...I just don't want to know, man) so yeah, lots of vinyl today. Three weeks of uneventfulness to go here. le sigh.

ALSO, my car is being a fucking spastic again, only this week it's the transmission that I got replaced last October. What the fuck? So at least it's under a two year warranty, but I don't get to go to work tonight, which I 'm sure sounds like a blessing, but I have to put some money back in my bank account in a serious way.
Awesomely, I drove my car to the Mr. Transmission on Stony Plain Road and had to bus it back. I have no idea which buses go where in this town, so I try to never go too far down any given street. Today I had no choice but to put faith in the sign that said "Downtown" and hope for the best. I was pretty sure it was the wrong bus when we got to 118th ave but then we moved back on up to reasonably close to my apartment and I got off so I could take a stroll through the graveyard. Normally I avoid Zombie Central like the zombie plague, but in the daytime it just looked so pretty and nice. A fine choice.

So they are looking at my car tomorrow at 7 and I hope somehow I will be able to go to work in the evening, but we will see. Let me out.

2009-05-21T00:59:00.001-06:00

King Khan and the Shrines just blew my fucking mind. I danced, I sweated, and I can't feel my feet.

Holy fucking shit.

A collapse; to last until Fall.

2009-05-13T14:01:00.003-06:00

Monday night, at the bottom of a depression well, I'm at work and just staring at the wall in the back, as I am wont to do. "Chad, you have visitors."

From Edmonton, the chaingun and Jono have come to rescue me. There is good in the universe, somehow. So I get out of jail free, spend a night in the city and a day reading Heart of Darkness for school, which proves to not be the worst thing in the world. My car is ready at 3:30 and I have mobility again, $444 later. Jesus.

This morning I bring my car back in to Spruce Grove to see its regular mechanics for what should be a one day job. Here I am, at my parents' house, waiting for the phone to ring while my social life collapses on itself 30 minutes away. My car will not be finished today. I will be stuck here for another night. I will have to pay another exorbidant sum for repairs. This car is sucking me dry.

It's time for a major re-evaluation. If I didn't work out here I wouldn't need a car so much. I would save on gas and most likely on maintenance. I would likely be making less money, but I can see these two things balancing out. My life needs to not be garbage. I need to focus on something. I hate Spruce Grove.

Spruve AGAIN.

2009-05-11T00:01:00.002-06:00

So on Friday, after seeing the unbelievably great Star Trek, we're driving home and I notice that, hey, braking is kind of difficult. Like, I'm fully stopped and squeezing the pedal and yet inching forward ever so slightly. Closer examination reveals my car is pissing brake fluid due to some kind of rupture in the brake line. So it's sitting at a garage waiting to be fixed, but since they don't do that kind of thing of Sundays, no one will even look at it til tomorrow morning. So I've got to remember to get up early and phone them so I can have a car again by Tuesday. In the meantime, I'm staying with my parents because work is too far otherwise.

Staying here is typically a death sentence. I moved out for a reason, after all. But there are good things. This morning I woke up and got my bike out of the garage. Fill up the tires, fail at adjusting the rusted seat, and bam, away I go for an hour, revisiting the old trails I called home every summer out here. When I got back home, I decided to repeat the trail again. It felt great, though now I feel more sore than anything. It's good.
I guess I've lost like 13 lbs in the last month or so, which is great, but I'm still a tubby fuck at 190. I'm trying to get closer to 170 this summer, and running will help. But out here I've got a bike and it doesn't require different shoes.

Last night I was very close to falling apart completely. The loss of mobility and freedom, work stuff, and general life stress has been adding up to unbearable levels lately. For one, my dearest friend is coming to visit this Friday for a week before leaving the country permanently for the land of the Scots. It should be a fun filled week, or a week of joyful pain, if it's anything like we used to be. Tears and laughter. But trying to plan around a week of visiting is some high stress shit. I have a car in the shop that I need to get to another shop for all the other maintenance it needs this week, I have a room that has been gutted and purged and halfway organized by the saintly patient ms chaingun, and I'm working every fucking night until Visitor A gets here. Sigh.

As far as the lovey dovey bullshit of late, that I can't give up on. I hid it for way too long to let go of it now. The summer will be interesting and probably end devastatingly, but all I can do now is look at the brick wall we are hurtling towards and count seconds.

Almost Independance Day?

2009-04-27T14:53:00.003-06:00

Back to the old routine. Laying on the floor of my room, listening to records, consuming strictly water.
As always, when I gamble on anything with my heart, it gets taken away from me and broken.
Now I try to get back to normal.

I wish I was so high I had just enough motor control to flip a record and drop the needle. I can be happy on the floor.

Douchebags have it so easy. I don't get it.

Speed Jive

2009-04-25T22:24:00.002-06:00

Things I'm good at:

-not talking about things
-falling for impossible girls
-getting drunk enough to be bold enough to kiss them and ruining everything because I'm a fucking moron.

I don't know. We'll see.

25 now.

Happy belated, me.

N weee

2009-02-23T23:57:00.003-07:00

I love having days off. Who doesn't like not having to work? You can get all that shit done that you wanted to do, or in my case, lay around the house. All fucking day! Though I did get my ass in gear long enough to clean my bathroom. I'm still in my pajamas though, and I just don't give a fuck.

I have to be up before 6 to be prepared for radio time. I've been doing this show for almost three years, and I still think it's a huge pain in the ass to be up that early. The only time I enjoy it is the two hours we are on the air. Even then, I don't do nearly enough prep beforehand and I feel it every week when we hit a dead talking point or I find myself repeating shit just for something to say. I could be so much better, but as always I lack the motivation to excel at anything.

One of my dearest friends is off for a week's stay at the Mayo clinic tomorrow. I'm glad I'm not sick all the time like she is, and that when I am sick I at least know why. I don't understand how she laughs through everything all the time, but that's probably why I love her.

2009-02-19T01:16:00.002-07:00

Um.. tomorrow I get shit done.

Last night I was awake until 6am. I think it may be possible to bore yourself into wakefulness. That is the only explanation...that or the failure pile I had before bed, with the medium cola.

Tomorrow I try. Tonight, I sleep.

Terreur

2009-02-18T01:09:00.004-07:00

Today was a repeat of yesterday. It's awesome. I've put off grocery shopping to the point where I have only pasta and sauce left. Tomorrow I will get shit done, I tell myself. I don't understand this lack of ambition.

I'm wary of whose eyes are seeing this right now. Daisy did a dumb thing and exposed this blog to eyes I wouldn't normally have wanted on it. I never advertised this to anyone I knew. I started this with the understanding that strangers would read it, and that was comforting. Anything but the social circle I was stuck in at the time. Readers became friends, and that was okay. Friends did not become readers. I spent a few days reading everything I wrote here in chronological order. I gave up somewhere in 2006 but stopped myself from deleting a lot of stuff. A lot, but not all. I don't feel bad about that either. I'm not done, and soon I'll get through the rest of it with a scalpel and be satisfied.
While cleaning out my bookshelf I found my old journal that was purchased for me by my dad while I was in 5th grade to improve my handwriting. Everyday he would check it to make sure I wrote in it so it's full of bullshit entries that I kept up until he got bored and forgot to check anymore. When teenagerdom hit it actually got used more often, but mostly when I was going through the bullshit emotional trauma of the time. In highschool there a large lull and then after that it was only used when I was going through what I felt was major shit. All that said, there is a good chunk of it torwards the end that is still empty.
So I found this relic of brain vomit and opened to a few random pages. The words on the page were still fresh in my mind, and I hated that. So I destroyed it. Page after page came out in my hands to be ripped in half and then quarters and then eighths if I felt like it. Some of the pages stayed in tact because I just didn't feel like ripping shit up. I left a few scattered entries in what is now a tattered hardcover with the strings hanging out and a bunch of loose pages tucked back inside.
The garbage bag went into the dumpster and that was that. Goodbye memory.

And bit by bit, I want the rest of my brain to be cleaned.

2009-02-16T22:10:00.002-07:00

I haven't left the house today. I haven't cleaned my room. I haven't done shit.

I did however, do my taxes. Fuck yeah!

I've felt like shit for the last little while. I don't know why exactly, could just be the Februaryness floating around. Beyond the fact that I'm starting school, I just keep looking at my life and realizing that I haven't changed a thing in the last two years. Well, wheels were made to spin.

I forgot why I wanted to post anything.

Everyone's flown the coop.

2009-01-24T19:37:00.003-07:00

Sitting at home on a Saturday night, waiting to hit the town.

The last few months have seen a few changes. I'm starting back to school in the most unconventional way possible. That's right, kids, I'm now a student at Canada's Open University, Athabasca U. Which is to say, I'm taking university classes at home on my own time. So now I'm an English major. Weird. I got the box in the mail with my first class this week. It's nuts. It's like, university without the people, which is highly appealing to me. Retardedly, I have six months to finish the course. I dare ask, how could I fuck this up? Let's not find out.
At least my bookshelf will be improving, though not at first. This first run is basic prose forms, a second year course. A lot of sleepers, but I may as well get a head start on reading. Right now I sitting on so many books and I kind of want to finsih my reading for pleasure before I have to start reading for school. My new bff Dana is an English Phd student and is great for new and awesome books to read, not to mention feeding my need for gore with our regular horror schedule.

I spent most of my afternoon sleeping. I'm awesome.

Tonight we are celebrating my friend Geof's birth and subsequent life at the bar I was at last night. You know what's awesome? Being a regular at a bar. Some may even call me a "bar fly", and that is just...wow, awesome again.

I spent the last few days re-reading old blogs on here. Gross. I think I'm still in 2005. It's been fun resizing old pictures though. After starting the horror blog I find I'm just loving all the updates that Blogger added that I've just never played with due to lack of blogging. It's way easier editing posts now.

Anyways, yeah, I'm happy about the school thing, namely doing it on my terms. As the Descendants put it so well, I'm not a lo-serrrr!

PS HOLY SHIT RIGHT?

Blogonauts

2009-01-22T04:33:00.006-07:00

I'm up at 4:30am eating chips and dip in my room. Nom nom nom nom nom nom.

Christy wants me to post more, and I do as I'm told.

My friend daisy chaingun and I have started a blog called Screwballing, which I want to call Screwballin'...anyways, it is a place to review the shitloads of horror and assorted oddball films that we watch. This dip is soooo good....
fuck my life.

Like the night before xmas.

2008-10-22T23:48:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow I am driving to Calgary (for the fifth time this year) for a concert dream of mine: Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks. It's been a long time coming, that's for sure. I didn't really get into Pavement until Malk's first solo album was coming out, 2 years after the band's last record. So I was trying to get into both eras of his career at once and needless to say, Pavement won me over a lot better. I loved his second record, Pig Lib, more than the first one and listened to it with much the same attitude I had for his Pavement era songs. Face the Truth was great, but not my favourite. Then in March, SM & the Jicks released Real Emotional Trash, the kind of album I'd been waiting for from him. An album so good I wouldn't care if Pavement ever got back together as long as he kept making albums like this.
I was already devoted, but this album made me want, no, need to see him live as soon as possible. These were the songs I most wanted to hear live (along with a bunch of Pig Lib) so I considered my options. Sasquatch Festival? Lollapalooza? Nah, I couldn't afford another long road trip. Then BAM! Calgary AND Edmonton shows! Heaven! I bought tickets to both immediately and now the day has finally come.
I don't know if he's the type to vary setlists often but I really don't care. I've waited 7 years or so for this opportunity dammit and I will hear songs twice and LIKE IT. LOVE IT. Anyways..I should try and get some sleep or something.

I CAN'T SLEEP

2008-10-18T02:27:00.001-06:00

And the asshats outside won't shut up.

Matrimony Tyme

2008-10-16T00:12:00.009-06:00

Catching up.
I had a busy weekend! I was house sitting for my friend Rory's parents, as I do every few months or so. It's always a treat as they have a wicked house and the easiest dog to take care of. It's a great way to do (free) laundry without driving out to my parent's place (like I have to tomorrow because I didn't have time on the weekend and I am out of underwear) and they have the best kitchen so I feel compelled to actually cook for myself beyond the realm of Kraft Dinner.

Bo and I have a shared heroclix habit.

More importantly, my good friend Bo got married on Saturday to his lovely new wife Andrea. I've been to a lot of weddings this summer (it's that time of life..ugh) and this is the only one where you can't put bets on the length of the marriage because...you can't. I think they are one of the few examples of why people should get married.
Once again I forgot my camera, so I couldn't document all of the open bar related shenanigans. The reception was at Fort Edmonton Park. When we got to the hall, there were goats just walking around outside. They were man-eaters, I knew it. I made sure to not stray too far from the exit when it got dark out [also - I regret to say I've taken to smoking Captain Black's sweets "socially"...like at special occasions only. I can't count myself a smoker, but man, it gets so tempting...at least this time I didn't buy them, my enabler Jon4 did. I'm innocent!].
I'd never been to a Ukrainian wedding before. It was a party unlike most I'd been to. Danish family functions get crazy, but this was different. There was a lot of joy in the room, and so much dancing! I wisely stayed focused on the open bar and food tables.
Our table, Bo's close friends, was in the back near the food tables, but we noticed that it was taking a while for our table to get called in the "random selection" for the food line. This was clearly on purpose by the time there were like, 6 tables left to go and we still hadn't been called. It was probably the hunger, but I started getting all "this is bullshit!" "what kind of friend does this!" which is totally inappropriate, I know. At the end though, we were gifted an extra bottle of wine for being last, which is really all it takes to win me back. Even better when we are allowed two bonus bottles instead of one. I drank a bottle and a half to myself I'm sure. It helps get through the speeches. Remember: If you are at a wedding, do not touch the wine until the speaches begin! It makes the time pass faster.

The whole party shut down at 1am (I know, right?!) so our table quickly found itself sitting at the Garneau Pub and enjoying another pitcher and some shots before last call. A happy end to a happy day.

Tuesday was Election Day here in Canada. Our third in four years. I have to vote in Spruce Grove because I'm still registered out there. My vote doesn't really count because I don't vote Conservative. Still, I sat in election day traffic for over an hour to do it, and it took my all of one minute to enter the polling station, show them my id, and drop my ballot in the box. Done. So why did we have the lowest voter turnout in Canadian history? Well, people don't give a shit.
A lot of people I know don't want to vote because their vote won't do anything to dent the Conservatives' hold on the province. Your vote still counts, and the party you support still gets an extra buck or two annually for your vote. It doesn't seem like a lot until you put all of those votes together. The Liberals lost about $1.6 million in vote dollaz because of their shite performance this year. Blah blah.

PS - I applied to go back to school. We'll see what happens this time around.

Dreams RUINED

2008-10-07T00:18:00.006-06:00

FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

For reasons I will never know, my stereo, more specifically the CASSETTE DECK, is completely fucked.

I don't know how to fix it. I took the thing apart and well, guess what? You can't see the cassette deck what with all the circuit boards in the way. It's a nice complicated mess of wires and things I shouldn't touch. I can't even name the parts that aren't working. Just look:

Now, nothing there looks out of place. It's like one of those newspaper games where you have to find 6 minute differences in two badly drawn pictures. Those three things in the middle of the picture, they shouldn't be up that high unless I am playing a tape. When it is stopped, and especially when it's open, they should drop down so you can, you know, put a tape in. So as of now I can't close the tape door if there is a tape in it. Is there like a broken spring or something? How do I fix this?

Fuck, just don't fix it. I need to go around to pawn shops and find another receiver that has a cassette deck.

SHIT EATER!

Doom

2008-10-04T14:49:00.002-06:00

Plans for the Lacombe corn maze fell through today. LAME. So I have spent my day listening to records and wanting to make a mixtape. I just bought Thurston Moore's book Mix Tape and it's really shown how awesome the mixed tape can be. I never really go too far in the cover art realm, but after looking at all the sweet examples in the book I don't think I can make a normal one ever again.
However, I don't have the drive to make one for myself. I should, I guess. They act like journal entries...only with other people's music. It's better to make one for other people, though. You put more work into it, and your subject affects the tracklisting. Besides, what good is having this giant stereo if I don't use the taping feature? TELL ME THAT.

Here.

Oh! Sweet vinylz

2008-09-29T16:26:00.006-06:00

That sweet marbled look is not the vinyl, but my White Stripes peppermint LP mat

Yesterday I attended the Pop Culture fair, which is a giant gathering of nerds selling their wares to like-minded nerds. I was there to represent CJSR at our awesome table and hopefully secure some sweet new vinyl (but not much!). Being awesome, I forgot the following three things:

1) A camera, thus missing out on a photo op with the guy in full Ghostbuster gear, right down to homemade (and wicked looking) proton pack. Sad day.
2) List of records I specifically want in vinyl form.
3) CJSR record bag (for sexy shopping)

So I got there at 9:30 to find that our little table was situated right next to Sonic 102.9's obnoxiously loud display. SWEEET. And it was their all shitty cover songs weekend, where I heard, among others, a terrible terrible ska version of A-Ha's "Take On Me", which is an awesome song. Then the dj had the balls to say the original was "'80s crap"... That station lost it's cool in a big way.

Most dangerously, our booth was also right across from the Freecloud records booth. I resisited as long as I could, but I had to peruse their wares eventually. When I did, I was glad to not find any garage of surf vinyl I wanted...and I was doing really well until I got the 7"s. I wanted to see what b-side Radiohead threw on their "Jigsaw Falling Into Place" single, and found it to be the version of "Videotape" from Nigel Godrich's "From the Basement" podcast. The best version of that song evar, man. Once I had that in my hands, the dude easily talked me into the re-issues on Joy Division's first EP and the "Love Will Tear Us Apart" single, which led to the reissue of JD's "Closer", Velvet Underground's "Loaded" on sexy pink vinyl, and numerous others....I ended up spending $140 and not feeling ashamed of myself.

Afterwards, I was supposed to see Kevin Smith at the Winspear, but the fucker missed his flight and the show was rescheduled to next Wednesday. Thank you, Air Canada.

I made up for this loss by watching the totally bad(ass?) early '80s slasher flicks and The Burning and The Prowler. Both movies highlight killers who use totally impractical weapons. All the best ones are taken (machete = Jason, kitchen blade = Michael Myers, chainsaw = fucking guess.) The dude in The Burning kills kids with gardening shears, which I guess are pretty sharp cuz he effortlessly cleaves through the skulls of happy campers as if they were the softest of baby skulls. The Prowler stalks people while wearing army gear and killing people with ... a pitchfork. Awesome. There is only one effective kill...slow impaling while the hapless teen writhes in pain for a few minutes. I wouldn't want to spoil any plot holes, er, points, so I'll just say both movies are terrible and you should watch them.

Somebody painted over paint-painted wood.

2008-09-26T20:27:00.005-06:00

Okay, I am really shitty at this. I need to try blogging a bit...regularly I guess.
Since April I've gotten really drunk, embarassed myself at least two or three times, once unforgettably, went to Calgary for the Sled Island festival, met Spiral Stairs (HOLY SHIT) and Kevin Drew, slept in my car, read some books, was in a show at the 2008 Edmonton Fringe called Green Eggs and Kerouac that was written by a good friend and did really well, got paid (but not laid), karaoke'd the faces off of all those around me, bought a $5 jean jacket that somehow doesn't make me feel stupid, went to Calgary a few more times, and read Perfect From Now On by John Sellers which was so good I decided to blog again. Oh, and I still work at a liquor store.

Perfect From Now On was a really great read about a man's journey from loving Journey and hating Bob Dylan (sad) to Loving awesome bands like Pavement and Guided by Voices and disliking Bob Dylan (pretty awesome, except that Dylan is great, you fool.) The subtitle is How Indie Rock Saved My Life, and I think that's pretty accurate. The book has given me a reason to try listening to the Smiths again, even though I'm sure I can't get into them.

It's 8:40 and I am going to clean my shower curtain.

Happy Birthday to me!

2008-04-23T00:08:00.006-06:00

Jon decided to give me my birthday present a few hours early......turns out it was a decoy gift of 30 Days of Night on dvd.....the real gift was actually in this sexy box.

Jon made sure to use timely Santa Claus paper...

Let's look inside! Oooh, delicate phone book page tissue paper! So ornate!

Let's just get this junk out of here. Is that a stain?

WHOA! AWESOME!

Best xmas birthday ever!

I ate that whole sandwich.

2008-03-24T17:48:00.004-06:00

I'm alive!

So the reason I haven't posted at all these past couple months is because my computer is a piece of shit and died...repeatedly. So the problem is now corrected....by a new iMac! I've spent the last week getting the hang of mac vs pc, and I love it. Pretty much everything is easier now, including life. Or maybe not, whatever.

So my life hasn't been any more exciting otherwise. Jon managed to push me into an old habit/addiction of mine that I thought I'd put behind me for good....I won't go into details.

Here's to the geeky future.

My Evil Room

2008-02-17T23:39:00.012-07:00

For Crystal's sake, here is a tour of my old room, which Jon and I do not enter because we believe it is haunted. By evil.

So here we are in the hallway, behind this non threatening door lies unknown terror, where I slept for 8 months.

AAAHH! It's full of darkness!!!

Oh wait, there we go; now in its full-out pee colour glory. AHHH WHAT'S THAT?

Oh, it's just our house phone. It doesn't work we just keep it so we can let the pizza guy in...or our friends, I guess.

Our internet's brain! Glorious! I guess there isn't really anything scary in here after all, Crystal. Sorry for the big let down...

AHHHH! My old mattress! Note the lack of stains. Impressed, ladies?
I guess we should look in the closet while we're here.

See? Friendly and inviting! Let's just crack those doors and see.....

AHHHHHHHH!

Blood in my eyes

2008-01-11T00:37:00.000-07:00

Post 200, and it better be a big one. Happy new year.

In a decision that I saw coming a mile away, I once again am not in school. I don't feel guilty about it, I'm happy, there's not much else to be said. Fact.

It's been a busy holiday season, albeit a relaxed one. Things come and go and I've been pushed along with them so I guess now's the time to enjoy the quiet. Good company is pretty much all I need and I've had plenty of it of late. Lucky.

My apartment is in dire need of a third roommate. Not that I want someone else in here, it will just force me to stay in my den even more often than normal. If someone can actually manage to handle the combined bullshit of Jon and I then I will be very impressed. I think I'm pretty easy to live with...or I at least need to appear that way to sucker someone into living here. Moving will not be fun, especially this time of year. It's wonderfully cold, but not as much as it should be. As a bonus, a new roommate will also test my theory that the Other Room (my old room) is evil and drives the tenant insane.

I really don't want to give up a place that I'm finally making my own. I've spent most of life occupying the space that I live in but not really personalizing it, owning it. Our place is coming together in spite of meager incomes so starting from scratch somewhere else would be LAME.

My guts are telling me that this year I will be able to pull all my shit together for what may be the first time ever. It's nice to not worry, to be comfortable (much easier to do when your brain is not on fire). Skrumbles...

. . .

New blog site magic!!!

2007-10-10T00:34:00.000-06:00

So since Myspace is a complete piece of shit I've decided that Makin' Whoopee, my weekly radio show, will now just have a blogger site (the Facebook group will still be active, however). This is something I should have just done from the beginning, but wasn't my decision to make until this year. This way all the playlists will actually be available to everyone who wants them, should they care to look, plus whatever else I should care to add to the site.

Anyways, I feel pretty happy about it. No audio as of yet, but that may be a possibility in the future, we'll have to see. Oh, and I have a co-host named Colin now.

So check it out... I don't announce it on air til next Tuesday, when I hope it will meet my standards of adequacy.

Ghetto Livin'

2007-10-02T23:50:00.000-06:00

word up. Still alive. You?

There is probably a lot new to report, but what of it is worth telling? I went on a record buying binge this weekend, I have to be stopped. You know when you cross that line, and you're like "Stop! You're fucking crazy, man!" but you're talking to yourself? I did that today. What do I mean by fucking crazy? Check it:

These are the new additions:

Burt Bacharach - Make It Easy On Yourself
Broken Social Scene Presents: Kevin Drew - Spirit If...
Broken Social Scene - Live at Radio Aligre FM in Paris -[download]
Gentleman Reg - Darby & Joan - [download]
the New Pornographers - Challengers: Executive Edition
Thurston Moore - Trees Outside the Academy
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls - Original Soundtrack LP
Jackie Brown - Original Soundtrack LP
Beck - Stereopathetic Soulmanure LP
Ben Weasel - Fidatevi LP
Ben Weasel - These Ones Are Bitter LP
Peter Bjorn & John - Writer's Block LP
Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks - Pig Lib LP

AND I preordered Population by The Most Serene Republic and Radiohead's newest, In Rainbows, and I paid 7 dollars for it, just so you know.

So yeah, it has to stop. I mean, we don't even have curtains that can cover the whole living room window, so walking around naked is a bad idea, unless you like that sort of thing. Food is another thing I should spend money on, and gas.

The Lack of Sleep...

2007-07-30T11:39:00.000-06:00

makes my eyes feel like ashes.

(Everything is ) Hunky Dory

2007-07-23T23:58:00.000-06:00

I like this better. Although the new blogger lets you edit your template and customize it to your liking, I still had to go into the html to change the background colour to red, so it was really fun remembering how to do that. . . anyways, it was worth it, I'd say. I wasn't feeling the blueness anyways...PLUS RED IS MEGA SEXY. I'll probably fix the title bar at some point, too.

There is a most beautiful thunderstorm happening. It was so loud earlier, and not from the thunder, but from the immense raindrops pounding my building. I stepped out onto the balcony and stood there in the dark, getting damp from rain exploding on the rail and finally not feeling sticky with sweat. I never see any other lights on in the apartments I live around. Do they work all night? All of them? I never even see lights on in my own building. Just me, visibly dancing in the windows while cooking dinner at 10 PM. Stutter.

Out of awesome, I totally cleaned my bathroom...there were moustache fragments everywhere. Does that make my bathroom less cool now? I guess the garbage can has the most moustache in the house now.
Fun fact...when in a bar whilst wearing a moustache, drunk people will tell you, ad nauseum, "Dude, you are fucken' awesome." "YOUR MOUSTACHE RULEZ!" It's great. I love it.

Jono is home for good this weekend. I will no longer be living alone, but I can see myself resenting this soon. Parking out on the front street again will be so fucking great. I can't stop lying. Help me.

Okay okay....enjoy the new outfit. Don't stay out too late.

Oh shit, son.

2007-07-23T15:13:00.001-06:00

Things just got crazy.

htmlllllzzzlzlzlzlzz

Speak to me in a language I can hear...

2007-07-17T00:48:00.000-06:00

Mercy mercy me, it's 1 am and I should be fast asleep. It appears Edmonton has brought back my old (bad) sleeping habits. This needs to stop. I'm thinking of trying melatonin or something.

I wrote a letter to France. I don't know how long it takes for international mail to arrive, but I hope it's not longer than 2 weeks.

It's so hot right now, and night time just makes it muggy. That isn't helping me get to sleep either. Water water water, people. It appears there isn't much to say.

I've spent the last week listening to the Smashing Pumpkins' new record Zeitgeist. It's good...starts off really strong and kind of fades out in the middle, but altogether a really good record. I grabbed a torrent of the record that had all 3 bonus tracks on it (don't worry, I actually bought it, too) and they really help to fill out the album.

I may go back to school in the fall...?

I'll come back when there's something to say.

As always, life begins again.

2007-06-25T13:41:00.000-06:00

Here we are, home at last.

I've spent the last two weeks staying in London, Ontario with a girl I care about very much and her family. The trip went well, and once again I find myself under Edmonton's grey sky, back in my apartment staring at a computer screen. To quote a good friend: "I hate my life." When I think about what I've come home to, I lose interest in writing.

I remember having purpose and direction....there are things I need to do. Is it time for a list already?

Perfection is taking a red-eye the fuck out of Edmonton. A near empty plane, the whole row to yourself, and good music. It's pitch black outside save for the distant lights on the ground but the sky is beginning to lighten up at the horizon. Then after drifting into sleep, through the open window you are hit by a naked sunrise to the tune of Van Morrisson's "Queen of the Slipstream" in your headphones. Stare, and let your eyes water.

These Days

2007-05-29T01:38:00.000-06:00

Wow, I just wrote one of my favourite posts ever and deleted it by accident. Let's recreate some magic!

I can't sleep...I suspect this has something to do with all the things I should be doing but have ignored. It's late enough for me to be tired now, so let's hope sleep's sweet oblivion takes hold soon.

Things to do:
1) Get awesome at cooking.
2) Finish back log of songs (ie - learn to let out words)
3) Decide future.

Things on my mind? Yeah, always. Maybe I should clean my room, or my closet...the literal one. Maybe I should resolve the fight I had with my dad instead of ignoring his messages. Maybe I should do something other than stay here all day. If it counts, at least I'm thinking.

I look back at my youth and feel regret that I never exposed myself to enough, that I was always happy with where I was and what I knew. Instead of looking into shadows for things I couldn't see I stayed content in my well-lit life. I remember thinking a lot, but maybe I never gave myselfthe roght things to think about. I'm worried about the future. I'm sad that it's only now that I'm realizing things that truly interest me. I can't blame my parents for that, but I really wish they'd followed or developed their interests, or found new things and learned. Dad still loves sports like he did 20 years ago, Mom is probably just as miserable or sadly, maybe less. They haven't left their place, and this may be attributed to my arrival...I don't know. Looking back, I see missed opportunities and curse myself, a fool in place.

Mystery is important to me, and I remember when I would feel it as a child, at any glimpse of the adult world I'd always felt I was apart of. The dirty parts, and by dirty I guess Ishould say gritty and greasy, dark images, but also the unknown. I remember stepping onto campus for the first time and seeing mystery behind every door. Mystery, art, creativity and whatever would make me think about things in a new, better way. Better is wrong. I don't know. Different is better. Haha. At some point I need to reclaim that mystery. I can imagine seeing with it again, experiencing life that way. Newness and change, I believe, will trump hopelessness and despair. I hate this place sometimes.

Good news, then, that I may be forced to move out of here if they convert it to condos. Haha, what? Yeah, I'll worry about that when I get to it. There is no love here, no art. It's here, just hidden really fucking well.

Records I've bought recently:

Pavement's first two albums, Slanted and Enchanted and Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain on vinyl! I had no idea they'd been reissued. So I haven't listened to them yet, but I'm sure they sound great.

My favourite Smashing Pumpkins album, Adore, also on vinyl, but with a sweet red cover. Pretty album, and it's actually been helping me get to sleep lately. "To Sheila" is still one of the prettiest things they recorded, but the back-to-back-to-back of "Shame" "Behold! The Night Mare" and "For Martha" is where the genius of that album always hits me. Unfortunately, the vinyl release sees "Shame" closing side 2, tearing it apart from it's kin's double guitar climax in "For Martha". A shame...ha ha.

Chad VanGaalen's Skelliconnection, also on vinyl, where it comes with an extra album to see all 4 sides filled. Listened to it once and liked it, but I need to give it my full ear another time.

Elliott Smith's New Moon, but I've been too absorbed in other tunes to give this a chance either. It's sad and great..."Talking to Mary" stood out while I was doing dishes.

I also finally bought Lou Reed's Transformer, which is excellent and I shouldn't even have to tell anyone to own it and love it. Also couldn't resist Queen's Greatest Hits, if only for "Somebody to Love"...what can I say? I like Queen.

Now, two songs:

Melanie's "Beautiful People" from any of her greatest hits collections. Great.

And from Chelsea Girl, Nico's version of Jackson Browne's "These Days". This song just slays me. I don't like to post song lyrics, but I think I need to in this case.

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking
These days.
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I've stopped my rambling,
I don't do too much gambling
These days.
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway.

I had a lover,
I don't think I'll risk another
These days.
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long.

I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them.

Hell, just go find it.

I like.

2007-05-23T22:30:00.000-06:00

For God and Country?

Beastie Crumble

2007-05-20T23:31:00.000-06:00

Looks like there is a new Beatie Boys album coming out in June. It's called The Mix Up and it's all instrumental. This one is called Off the Grid, and I dig it.

Whoops

2007-05-19T02:30:00.001-06:00

I thought, for a minute, that I knew where you went....but I forgot what I was going to ask you anyway. But while we're here together, is everything going to be okay? I would like to know. I hope we all are

I can't take ignorance, hatred, bigotry...it's too much. I remember hating, and I feel nothing but shame. Can't anyone else smarten up yet?

Maybe sleep is better. Love, though.

PSA - RSR

2007-05-16T21:57:00.000-06:00

I should have posted this earlier...like a month ago...but things were busy, man. Anyways, Calgary's own Reverie Sound Revue are back with a full length album ready to be released on the undeserving masses. I saw them open for the Dears in 2003 and was completely blown away by the soothing wall of sound that hit me. I felt hypnotized. Anyways, two EP's later they ceased to exist and the members moved to different cities. Lead singer Lisa resurfaced as at least a touring member of Broken Social Scene, with the other members also starting new projects such as Duck! from Calgary.

Now that they are back in business as RSR, check them out. This is their new song and video.

I might know what it is...I might not.

2007-05-16T00:57:00.000-06:00

I am somehow desperate for human connection and also wanting to be left alone.

I should maybe leave the house more often. Summer is here kids, and I for one cannot handle the pants.

I don't work tomorow and have nothing really special planned. Why would I? It's Wednesday...I might walk to the record store...no wait, I can't buy things right now. The flight to Hamilton has been booked so it's time to save the $. What am I doing?
Will I sleep tonight?

Why is it so hot in here?

ARE THERE GHOSTS?

1 Day From 2 Hours Away.

2007-05-15T02:33:00.001-06:00

So it's 2:30 in the am, and I have a show to do in 4 1/2 hours.

Why, then, can I not get to sleep? Possible reasons:

- I've been drinking Tropicana brand Orange Tangerine Juice Blend since I woke up this afternoon. The 100% juice blend must have me wired with all of its vitamins and minerals.

- I watched American History X right before going to bed...so I'm haunted by Edward Norton's swastika tattoo...and dead Edward Furlong. Captain Sisko is in this?

- I haven't left the apartment all day...so that's 24 hours in the same place and I'm stir-crazy.

- My new bookshelf reminds me of the monolith from 2001, or even the monolith from the comic book Earth X (which was a nod to 2001 in the first place) and am afraid that it will take me to the moon if I touch it...only since I'm not Machine Man I'll die.

- All the shadows are making me imagine scary ways to die. I could sell nightmares to children.

- It's too goddamn hot.

- I'm stressed? Well I'm always stressed.

I decided that Matthew Good Band's Audio of Being needed to be listened to. Not even drowsy, I followed it up with MG's Avalanche. I'm still awake. Someone help me. Songs all sound different now.

I'm going to London, Ontariario in June.

Slay Tracks

2007-05-14T16:27:00.001-06:00

Somehow, out of nowhere, Matthew Good Band's Beautiful Midnight found me listening to it as if for the first time this week. I still can't listen to Hello Time Bomb, but everything else leveled me, especially Going All the Way, a track I couldn't have cared less about before. I don't know why I wanted to listen to it, but I put it on and wept with Strange Days and Suburbia. Good record, almost forgot about it. Ouch.

Also, I managed to clean up the apartment. It's awesomely liveable. I have a new bookshelf and my posters are all going up, so my room is basically the coolest batcave in the building, if not the whole block.

Looks like my old high school drama teacher may or may not be on Facebook. If it's him we have to be friends, considering all the good old times we had, where I basically ran his classroom for him. Sigh....sometimes I miss parts of the old days.

So if you can't tell, I'm bored, and alone, which is a great combo. I've listened to my music catalogue from The 1900s to Broken Social Scene. Now it's time for the Stones because the sun will be going down and they are the magic danger noize I need to hear, man. I spent Friday night at home drinking wine and watching Apocalypse Now. That is how we get pumped in this house. That is how we get pumped in this house.

Dinner.

Yeah Role Play

2007-05-10T14:47:00.000-06:00

Try to not love this.

Crimes like these?

2007-05-10T02:09:00.000-06:00

Interesting...

Tuesday morning I get to the station to get the show ready by about 6 am. I listen to records, set up my ads, and take it easy. Ten minutes before I go on, the phone rings and it's the front desk, which means someone is at the door...I answer: "CJSR?" "Hi, this is Colin, I'm here for on-air mentoring." WOW. So I had to train somebody on the air without having heard about it or met them prior. It was great! That's the kind of thing that makes life worth living, or in different circumstances, glad I'm not dead.

"It's moments like this that make me glad I'm not dead."
"Interesting that you would choose those words."

So I guess I will have a co-host for the next two weeks. I'm actually happy about it, because it will make the talking part of the show actually worth listening to. Really, I'm only in it for the music. That and making people listen to what I listen to.

Word to the wise: Australian wines, even the premium ones, are gross. Maybe not gross, but certainly not good. If you want a good wine, please do yourself a favour and get a bottle from France, or even Italy. They know. They've been making them forever. In fact, if you can get your hands on Bouchard Aine et Fils' Beaujolais from the 2004 vintage, buy it and send it to me. Do not drink it yourself, I must selfishly enjoy it's rich deliciousness.

Okay...someone tell me what I'm doing with my life.

23

2007-05-04T19:00:00.001-06:00

Where have you been?

Sleeping. And I woke up still alive. It's lighter then it was when I went to sleep and I can hear birds chirping. Spring it is, then. So what dark part of me spent winter here, then? I'd forgotten a lot of myself for a bit. Afraid to leave the house, so desperate for connection that mistakes look like good ideas. At the very least, we learn. Right?

So I'm really back now. In the middle of winter a girl came running into my car in the same place as me, afraid to go home alone and also seeking connection. There have been no excuses to give, mistakes to explain.

I met someone who convinced me that my standards were never set too high, that I never had to settle again. "Holy shit," I think when I realized what I was feeling. By then, though, it was too late to change what was coming. With the end of April it would be time to go back to where you came from, with no plans to return to this dustbowl. You walk away, do I follow? When I met this one I was drinking a bottle of wine every night, taking maybe 30 minutes to enjoy the taste and spending the rest of the night enjoying the blur. My body can take the punishment. So I half-expected this week to be a return to binge drinking, but after she left I only woke up sad and focused. My hands were steady, and the last thing I wanted was a drink. This is the healthiest pain I've ever felt. To stay healthy, you can't let need take over your heart. Tips.

I actually went to a psychic yesterday, god knows why, to find direction? She told me everything I was thinking already. Maybe that is all the gift is...mega-perception. I don't think I'm going to school until next September. I think I may leave town for a bit. I think a lot of things. Road trips? I may take a job that will see me driving across the country and back again. Let's see if it happens.

I'm ready?
I turned 23 on the 23rd of April. A Monday, like the day I was born. I always assumed this would be an important year for me. I'm hoping it will be so. As a gift, I was given a box for vinyl records, Beatles collage style. Did I mention this girl is the first person to ever quote Pavement to me? And made me a mixtape? What?

Oh, and I have a digital camera now. Celebrate.

Say what? "I love you."

2007-04-05T01:51:00.000-06:00

"Oh my God...I just realized how much you love me."

"Please don't let me kiss you."

What? Hell is not chrome, my friends. But I love you all.

For the first time in a long time, I feel no fear....thus, you must fear me.

The End of Life as a Teen Movie

2007-03-30T05:05:00.001-06:00

Truth. Honesty. Respect. Empathy. Love. Understanding.

Lessons hard to learn, impossible to master. I've spent weeks doing hard time, trying to find in myself where their limits lie. Think too long and it's gone. Respect demands truth and honesty. When you can be honest, without fear of punishment for your honesty, fuck, that is a beautiful thing. From there you can love, and to love without fear is something I can't say I've ever known until the past few months. Have you ever thought about the words? Everything you say and what it means?

For a minute there, I lost myself.

Creeps

2007-03-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

I had a great dream...I thought someone had bought me an awesome keyboard that I knew would make way awesome noise. Sadly, it was only a dream.

So I have a new car now. The old one let me down at last. There were ball bearings all over and tranny death and grinding and noise. Bad times. So I stayed in Spruce with my parent's for a week, but it's all over and now I drive a car that was actually made in the '90s....so weird. Best part...tape deck. It's like my life has meaning now...making tapes. Yes.

I was just told that some woman in the states stole $5000 worth of gum from grocery stores. Hero.

Oh, please go and see Zodiac. It's better than I was hoping it would be, and at times is completely chilling. Oh, and it has a good soundtrack, which I know is important. It was nice to see a single, comprehensive perspective on the Zodiac killer. The murders on screen were as terrible as I'd imagined. He made a COSTUME for one of them. He was a real human being, killing other people. What is so interesting? We never remember the names of the victims, but the serial killers become real-world supervillains. Bah...I'm hungry.

CA-LI-MA

2007-02-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

So, uh, according to the BBC, chimpanzees have been discovered using tools, such as spears, for hunting.

Question:
What should we fear most?
a) Smart monkeys
b) Global warming
c) Artificial intelligence
d) Nuclear holocaust

Carrrtonne

2007-02-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going out to a movie with my parents tonight. I'm pretty sure we haven't done that since like...1996.

Should be fun.

I get a new car on Saturday, one that presumably will start in winter, has a REMOTE STARTER and is generally not shitty. I will miss the old beast, but then I just need to think of the money I lost on new parts and missed work shifts. This will be worth the sacrifice, I think. What am I most excited for though? Why, the slim possibility that there might be a tape deck and I can start making my own tape mixes again. Or, you know, rock the old Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze soundtrack. Go ninja go ninja go!

(At night, I am able to see what I'm supposed to be doing.)

2007-02-17T00:53:00.000-07:00

I HATE signing in on the new blogger with the shitty GOOGLE BRAND sign in name. It never remembers me, what's the point of having it BOOKMARKED?!

So Jono decides that today is a good day to go see a psychic. These trips are never good for me, as I think too much and actually take said thoughts quite seriously. After a walk down Jasper I take Jon to the Russian Tea Room, where they do reading and shit. In retrospect I should have had mine recorded, but I think I have a pretty good memory for these things.

High anxiety types are not good people to go for readings. Consider that I spend most of my time doubting something or another that I've done. Everyday is another one where I'm looking back on choices I've made, reliving memory, and always wondering what was the right call to make. Of late, the whole school thing has been a minor worry, mostly because I don't know if I should've been there in the first place. But the nice psychic lady at let me in on her feeling that I'm not on the right path, that I'm not following my heart in pretty much every aspect of my life.
...Seriously? I don't need to be hearing this. She nailed some other stuff early on that was cool to hear in spite of me wearing what I thought was a poker face.
My heart, body, mind, and soul are all in different places, and I can't think of a place where that last one may be. I think it may feel the stress of all the others.

My mom got a new cat for her birthday, by the way. Let's hope for good things.

So, do you believe in coincidence? I can't say that I really do, but my doubts were quashed last night. After my performance, I got stuck watching the next play, unable to get my things from the green room. After I got them I left, but forgot that I drove, so had to go back to get my car. Delays and fate I guess lead me to running into someone I really care about and inadvertently helping save their life.
I I I II I I I III II IIIIII don't know where to go from here.
Nevermind. Forget it all.

I'm confused, and to be honest here, my gut is no real help.

I'm not ashamed to get excited.

2007-02-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

What to say?

I just went through Makin' Whoopee Valentine's Eve special. Now, I was planning on making it all nice songs at the beginning and then collapsing into breakup music for the last hour (cuz that's how it always goes, right?) but I was convinced to do it the other way....so people don't want to die by the end of my show. Fair enough.

I'm in a show for the New Works festival. It's so hilariously bad. We've had six rehearsals, total, and are only as of yesterday off book. And we go up tomorrow! And I work tonight! YES! I would feel bad if the script was, like, good at all.

The Band is so good.
My eyes hurt.
I get to go to a potluck tomorrow, yes!
I drink frequently.
Stephen Malkmus has a moustache. At last I am validated.
I need a digital camera (pronounce it dig-it-all, you will ascend.)

Doom is pleased.

Watch:

And the best thing ever:

Everybody laugh.

Times Change

2007-01-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

Grarr-mally

Nothing says awesome like watching High Fidelity and having strong beer to wash it down with. Much news much news much news to report. When big things happen to me I don't post about them, partly because I think they may just go away with time, and partly because if I post about them then they must actually be happening.

My personal life has seen some significant changes, but not so much as my academic life. To put things easily, I had a nervous breakdown that I refused to post about (see second reason above) and now as a direct or mabe indirect result I am dropping my classes for the rest of this semester and taking the time to be myself, or at least get back to who that was and is now. So I'm free, save for work, and to be honest I've never felt better. I don't really feel like school has ever been something I've done for myself, but instead for the pleasure of others, the ones who would judge me. Now I can say fuck em and get on with it, sorry to have not done so earlier. But things happen for a reason, I suppose. At any rate, I've done something, maybe too late, but I've done something.

As of last week I finally went to counselling and it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. At last the giant malevolent threat that only I can see didn't seem like something I would fall before, but instead something I could stand against. Dread, fear, anxiety are all at last something I can deal with...for now anyway. I need to consider some meds just in case. Therapy is neat...you just talk about whatever is bothering you, but instead of like when you talk to people you know, the therapist doesn't interrupt you or offer solutions immediately. I felt really dumb saying what was bothering me out loud, but once it was done I felt fucking great. Especially since I've been having symptoms of anxiety for a long time that I didn't even know were symptoms. I felt really normal, and for the first time in a long time I started to feel like myself again...the old me. Stronger me.

So now I can look at my life and see all the things that I need to fix, hoping that I can bring myself to do these things. Cleaning and sorting and fixing and working are all going to be top of the list for a bit. Hopefully I will come out of this more organized and at least somewhat prepared for the future. Here's hoping.

I'm seeing the ex-person-my-best-friend-was-kind-of-seeing-kind-of now and it's been a weird couple of weeks getting over that. But it's nice that in the face of trying to make people aware of more global issues and failing, you can make one person feel really, really great for a few hours. Or just forget about everything else. Maybe that is the test. I'm just doing what everyone else does by ignoring the problems. I don't know...I'm kind of convinced that we are going to see the end of the world some day. So why have kids?

This will be interesting. I hope I can start being really creative again. Excitement.

Petty Petty Crimes

2007-01-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

There was a time whan I was really creative. I could write a lot, draw a lot, think of things that were interesting, tell stories I liked...but this was when I was younger and full of life and life itself was an eternally sunny day in June. Now, it is not this way. I haven't written anything in over a year now. That sucks.

Instead though, I have this. Facts about me. Thoughts. That will have to do.

Bros before hos is the way it all goes, I guess. But man, genitals can ruin the best of friendships. And seating arrangements can decide your future. My advice: if someone needs to piss, let them, but when they come back don't move into the part of the booth they were sitting in. You'll change the arrangement. Cosmic unbalance will occur. Futures will bend and empires will fall. Or backs will bend in a different order. I'm no time-traveller, friends, but I do like to look at those moments that I remember for what appears to be no reason, but then gain significance later, as if those moments are beacons of cosmic energy...or something.

What would Batman do?

"How can I get what I want and cause the least damage possible to my social circle?" No one wins in a dairy challenge.

Right, cosmic unbalance. What is right? What is wanted? That is pretty much the sum of it all. And yeah, genitals are evil. Especially when they get together. Nothing but bad news.

Now laugh. Now sleep.

Oh and sidebar - One of my teachers actually said that my class represented the line between modernism and post-modernism. I....what? WHAT? Ugh. I hate school.

I stole this from Llisa

2007-01-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

I will post something of relevance tomorrow.

1. What are you listening to right now?
My roommate playing bass. Oh wait, The Beatles - Don't Let Me Down

2. What song makes you sad?
At Least That's What You Said - Wilco

3. What is the most annoying song in the world?
Any christmas music.

4. Your all time favorite band?
Hmm....Pavement/Beatles/Matt Good...all in one.

5. Your newly discovered band is?
Peter Bjorn and John...so delicious. And more infectuous than herpes.

6. Best female voice?
Hmm...yummy Cat Power. Though sometimes I just wanna hear Kim Gordon throw-up/sing.

7. Best male voice?
Matt Good

8. Music type you find yourself listening to most?
I guess indie rock? Fuck, whatever.

9. What do you listen to hype you up?
Thin fucking Lizzy - Jailbreak. Or Motorhead's Ace of Spades, but mostly it's the Lizzy.

10. What do you listen to when you want to calm down?
Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

11. Last gig/concert you went to?
Headband at the Black Dog on New Year's Eve.

12. Band you find yourself listening to the most right now?
Old school Beatles.

13. Most hated band?
Chicago/Motley Crue/Van Halen/Peter Frampton (he knows why)

14. Song that makes you think?
Most of them do.

15. Band that you think the world should love as much as you do?
None, I must greedily keep everything to myself. Vultures!

16. Coolest music video?
Apparitions will always be up there.

18. What do you play/would you play in the bedroom to spice things up?
Probably some WL/WH Velvet Underground, like Lady Godiva's Operation.

19.What song makes you feel yearning/longing/something of that sort?
Most songs...Wilco...yeah, most things.

20. Ever been in a mosh pit?
Uhh...seriously?

21. Are you in a band?
Apparently. Thanks Lisa! My other band never does anything but drink beer and watch hockey.

23. Ever dated a musician?
Kind of...

28. Do you wish yourself that you were a musician?
I wish I was a more talented one.

29. Best chick band you know of?
Sleater-Kinney will always own this category, even though they broke up.

31. Last song that you heard on the radio?
I believe Elvis Presley - Hound Dog

32. What do you think of Classical music?
I never listen to it except on CBC when I'm driving.

33. What do you think of Country music?
The old stuff is so great, but new country is a tool of Satan.

34. What do you think of Death metal?
Hilarious, but less hilarious than black metal. Hail Satan!

35. Last BIG band that you saw live?
How big is BIG? The Hip in Calgary I guess.

36. Are you a groupie?
. . .no. No!

37. Do you listen to music in foreign languages?
Not really, some french stuff here and there. Does Sigur Ros count? Hopelandic?

38. What famous musician would you like to fuck?
I guess Cat Power...

39. Worst concert moment?
Can't think of any bad ones. Oh, when dad got way too drunk at a KISS show. That was the most awful night ever.

40. Funny concert moment?
When Kevin Drew jumped the barrier and hugged everyone at a Broken Social Scene show, including ME>.>>>>E>EEEEE

41. Sad concert moment?
There was a second, at Pearl Jam, during Elderly Woman...just a second.

42. Best local act you can think of?
Shout Out Out Out Out...Cadence Weapon...most E-Town bands I've seen are pretty good live.

43. If you were a musical instrument what would you be?
Electronic corn noise.

44. Do you listen to the radio?
CJSR baby. Live it, love it.

45. Do you watch music TV?
Nope...tooo much...brain hurt.

46. Do you follow the music charts, like the top 40?
No.

47. Have you met any famous musicians?
All of the Hip, Matthew Good, Chris and Jay from Sloan...I can't think of others.

48. Are any of your friends/family/etc. musicians?
One of my best friends is, but my parents are hilariously non-musical. My grandpa learns everything by ear and plays organ and accordion. He is awesome.

49. Song that best describes your feelings right now?
Johnny Cash - Help Me

50. Song that describes your life?
Uhh...this requires a cd length "Life of Chad mix"

51. Do you know the names of all the band members that you listen to?
Sadly, probably yes. Plus the producer. sigh...

52. Does a musician’s physical attractiveness play a role in the music that you listen to?
No, but once you see them and they are hot...the music is tainted with their hotness forever.

53. What famous musician do you want to marry?
Marry? Maybe Britney Spears so I could put out a sweet album and become a rap star.

53. Favourite movie sound track?
Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy

56. What do your parents listen to?
Mom: Elvis, Abba, oldies, John Mellencamp VS. Dad: Stones, Zeppelin, Floyd, ROCK of all types.

57. What are you listening to right NOW?
Broken Social Scene - Backyards

58. Do you wear band T-shirts?
Yes. When they are cool.

59. What do you think of people who do?
I HATE THEM.

Stay Away From Mall Donairs.

2007-01-05T01:48:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to my boss phoning me to tell me my new schedule and that I was getting a raise. As a bonus, I totally wasn't feeling sick. Take that, flu bug!

Spencer, Bambizan and myself hit the mall up for some good old neon miniature golf at the Putt n' Glow. Now, one would expect the place to be abandoned that early in the day, but instead the place is packed with teenagers on winter break. Still though, it was awesome fun, and further proved how awful I am at miniature golf. Hell yes, I was 12 over par. What?
The only thing possible more fun was spending the day in Galaxyland, not unlike a pederast would, given the amount of small children there. So while the three of us were easily the tallest in the bumper cars line, about five minutes later I was a kid again and laughing like an idiot.
It kind of reminded me of the go kart scene in Clerks 2, though I don't know how centering it was. We followed that up by riding the Mindbender twice in a row, which will make you feel like a kid at first, but your aching head will soon remind you that you are in fact old and useless to the world when shaken like a crying infant.

This was basically a perfect day, but also just another day of putting off things that need to get done.

Okay, back to work, time for beds.

Is this Karma?

2007-01-04T02:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I was hoping to be a more active blogger this year, but it's hard to write anything when you spend the whole day in bed. Not out of depression, no, good friends. . .THE FLU HAS IMPALED ME. Some weird stomach flu that results in what Crystal describes as bum pee, which I think is funny and thus chose to repeat to all who cross this path. And I'm not sorry either.

At least I'm starting to feel better...at 2 in the morning. Man am I ever glad I spent the day asleep...The best part about being sick though is that you can listen to a crazy amount of records, which is all I do anyway, but today I didn't have anything else to distract me.

Remember to drink lots of water, or you will die.

Twenty O Seven Starts Here

2007-01-01T22:27:00.001-07:00

So here we are....it's the late decade now. Fresh start, clean living, good intentions, that's what this is all about. The blog bugs me. It's not what it should be, and I'm not even sure what that is. Since I started, I developed a cool group of blogging compadres and watched as one by one we slowed down in our posting, changed designs, quit, restarted, and in general became more and more aware of each others presence in the murky internet sea. This sad page feels like a neutered animal sometimes. There are things I just don't post about that are clearly the only interesting thing that happened to me that day or things that I just don't want to talk about, which is kind of the point of having this in the first place. I'd like to say that I don't think about who is reading and just post whatever but that would be a lie. It's sad that my myspace page sometimes sees deeper posts about my mental state than this one.

So I need to organize my thoughts. I don't know what is going on in my head, but for some time I haven't been able to keep up. Life is happening at a pace that is making me dizzy and something is very very wrong. While I've always dealt with stress differently this past year has seen me becoming less able to cope with increasingly minor points of stress. Ups are becoming more like moderate good moods and downs can be really scary.

After a lot of getting pumped up to go inside, I finally went to student counseling services only to be told that they were on holiday and that I could not even book an apointment for the new year until the new year. "But I need help now." Wait. New year, new direction. New focus. I need to start taking care of myself and I need to stop letting things get in the way.

But there are, as always, more things to clean up and fix. The new year brought itself in with a bang, with the noise and blur of the Black Dog, Headband being really awesome, counting down, and then, fuck Auld Lang Syne, the first song of 2007? Thin Lizzy's "Cowboy." Priceless. That is the line, however, where the awesome stops and the weird begins. Wait, no, that's not true. Think of it as a gradual fade out of the awesome and a fade up of the weird. The awesome had completely faded by the time I woke up and realized "Hey, I guess I did just sleep with my best friend's ex."

Today was one of those days where I most wanted to be back home and in the forest I used to spend lots of time in as a kid. Hiding in the woods, hearing only trees and passing cars on the other side of the trails. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oh so quiet.

If I were to guess what this year will be like based on the past 24 hours, then wow, man...I guess I won't be bored, but instead wracked with guilt and shame!

So, anyways...does anyone have any kind of pills I can take?

(Imagine me screaming loudly with my head wrapped in a thick blanket)

2006-12-15T02:27:00.001-07:00

So blogger is on a new beta program and I'm thinking of redoing the template and basically changing everything. Should be refreshing.
Let me tell you, it's nice living so close to the Druid because I can have a few pints and still stumble home to post here.

So I want to revamp everything, especially this piece of shit. It's not cutting the mustard, so I kind of want to just start it over and stop thinking about it and start posting whatever I want. I might, we'll see.
I got to help mark grade 10 improv games at the performing arts school today with a student teaching friend of mine, and it was so great to be back in a school. I really do love this job, I think. Ughhhh .... drunk.....

The reason I decided to get drunk tonight is because I actually met a girl at school who I find extremely cool, and then got her number and made plans to hang out before she went home to Ontario for XXXXmas. Unfortunately I found out that a good friend of mine has already beat me to the punch, so I variably feel like shit and like I'm the best guy ever, wtf is my problem. So since there is really no relationship, just a "kind of thing going on", I have an evil persuasion to continue pursuit and abandon any responsiblilty I have with this friendship. That of course won't happen, but still, I hate to have the only date I've had in forever be ruined by crappy news. Whatevs...nothing to worry about at this point. I may feel like shit but that is all the pints speaking. Exams are over, let's party.

Okay, better post when I can think betterer.

. . . .

2006-12-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

Actually, don't.

Please.

A Week of . . .

2006-12-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

bonté

One down, two to go. Thursday is keeping me on track, the sooner it gets here the better. It's so easy to be distracted at times like this because I really would rather be doing a dozen other things. So I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight, anyway, but you know, that kind of thing is what keeps life interesting, right? All the stress...the grey hair is really distinguishing...right?

I can't wait to have Christmas with my parents, and fall asleep on the couch listening to old Beatlemania records.

The Other Night I Killed a Bunch of People in a Dream

2006-12-08T22:39:00.001-07:00

So I've made a to-do list that goes from last night to Wednesday night. Every waking moment decided in advance. My social life is essentially on hold and for once I admire my ability to say STOP.

However, in spite of this planning, I can see I've bit off far more than I can chew. I think I'm scared. Irony has been the word of the week.

Talk to me in a few days, see how I am.

Crunchy and Delicious

2006-12-07T01:45:00.000-07:00

haHA!

One exam is down party people, but the work isn't done. I feel sick and determined, focused and numb. I have settled that night time is when I am at my best, isolated from the outside. Confidence, I have I have, but in the face of the end of term I find myself again struck with a detachment that my will needs strength to fight. I could be really really afraid, but when that sun is gone my brain click-clacks to life with reason and good ideas.

I have to-do lists for everything.
1/?) Check if car is still alive
1) Finish finish finish
1) Take home exam?
2) Don't die
3) Find Girl who believes "Old Jerry" is sonic perfection
3) Pick up the phoOone.
4) Panic
4) Don't panic
5)Hope.

Let'th party.

Instant Joy!

2006-11-29T22:55:00.001-07:00

Matt Furie has some wicked cool art. Although it is at times disturbing...
Anyways, there is a cool interview with him here, plus lots more art. He is making a comic book and it looks pretty rad.

Also, now that YouTube is back up, watch this:

Now imagine having that song in your head for a week straight. Not that I'm complaining, but still.

There Goes My Gunn

2006-11-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

ALIVE, still.

A refrain from blogging has been kind of necessary lately. Mostly from school but also everything else.
It has snowed like crazy. Cold? Yes, wonderfully so. I smile more in winter than any other season. It's so cold and perfect outside. The wind blows my hood off and my hair is caught in the wind and it's nice. My moustache slowly or quickly turns to ice from walking to catch the bus. I'm ridiculously content in this. My car died again this weekend and we put a new battery and starter in it and it's a new car, all of a sudden.
Still, it was -40 with the wind today. That will freeze the smile off most anyone. So cold you can smell the burning of engines and furnaces trying to fight it off. Farenheit and Celsius meet at -40.

You know in Ghostbusters 2 when there is that river of slime under the city and everyone in New York is angry? That's what it's been like here lately, in Canada's newly crowned murder capital. During the Whyte ave riots, when there were the fires burning in the streets, I could almost taste violence and tension in the air. Downtown has given me that same feeling for the past few weeks. Since the middle of October I've felt dread and anxiety tearing me up. It's weird. I could feel something evil in the air, getting worse and worse. When I was driving, I could see cars driving into me and all the glass and metal crunching around my body. I could see violence at every turn. A couple weekends ago, all those stabbings happened, and Jon and I were within short walking distance of two of them while they were happening. After all that, I didn't see much point in leaving the house, except to work. Even then, I'm worrying about my parents and hoping they are ok even if I have no reason to worry. Friday I had the night off work and didn't bother to leave the house. Still though, I can feel it passing, more or less.

Some days are just good days, and today was one of them. Unexpectedly, the best way.

I don't know. I feel focused, and strangely happy. Must be all this cold...

Sweet Evil Jesus!

2006-11-11T01:12:00.000-07:00

There is a website for dogs in bee costumes.

There is a website full of dogs who are dressed as bees.

Dogs as bees, on a website.

BEEDOGz

Weighted Down...

2006-11-02T23:53:00.001-07:00

Looks like I'm spending the next two nights in Spruce Grove...and I didn't bring any clothes. Sick. With the cold weather my car has decided to quit on me. I asked my landlord if there were anymore parking spaces with plug-ins, and of course there were not, so I look fucked for winter. Where are you now, global warming?!

Winter has come for real this year, which normally would bring a nice relaxed feeling to me, but for the last few weeks I've felt nothing but dread. Something big and dark that I can't even fathom and I've felt something like an alarm going off in my head. Time to get out the old "The End is Extremely Fucking Nigh" sign and walk around downtown.

In much lighter news, Halloween was fun. Jono and I hit up the Old Bar in Stony where Jon took 2nd place and $75 for his Beetlejuice costume. And I drank a lot of tequila and didn't know where I was in the morning. Good times. Actually, when I woke up I felt really good, like everything was okay.

So, what is wrong, I wonder? When we were driving back from Calgary this weekend I couldn't sleep in the car because I had to watch the road while Dad drove. It was snowing badly and I was all "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH THE END IS NIGH AHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!1!" With the ones and everything. Then "You Can't Always Get What You Want" came on the radio, and for the second time that I can remember, that song made me feel like all was well. The other time was when I was delivering newspapers and I'd just watched 28 Days Later and I couldn't stand being outside and I kept running back to my car where it was safe and zombie free and then that song came on and I was all "Why am I running?"...

"I can feel it in my bones..."

zip zip zip zip zip zip zip zip zip zip zip

I hope I can fix everything soon.

I bet tonight I am going to dream. It happens everytime I sleep in my old bed.

GOO'NIGH

Things die

2006-10-23T23:36:00.000-06:00

My parents' cat is now dead, having been hit by a car or suffering some other major trauma. Let me tell you, there is most nothing worse than seeing your dad cry. Especially when he's crying alone in the garage.

So I'm upset too, anyway. All I can think of is "this is why I am emotionally distant" or "this is why I don't let myself be close to things". Another thing that makes me uneasy is that, at least in my family, death likes to strike in threes. The cat is number two in my parents' circle...

So now all I can listen to is loud fucking rock and roll and try to not think about it. I did love that cat, though.
Poor dad.

Shake Me Off the Knife

2006-10-22T02:37:00.000-06:00

Tonight I almost got to live out a fantasy I've held since eighth grade. Stood up again.

Next time, though, no excuses.

Fun jams?! Tell me about it!

2006-10-15T17:24:00.001-06:00

So the Stones show was the best of the three times I've seen them. I got a dream setlist, TUMBLIN' DICE! YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT! UNDER MY THUMB! Unfortunately there are so many I like I can't get them all...no Gimme Shelter, no Let's Spend the Night Together...but no complaints.

When we got to our hotel in Regina dad went downstairs for a cigar. While he was out back, a large security guy came out and stood in front of him, followed by Mick Jagger and his son getting into a black car. My dad was all "OMGGGGGGG" but was not allowed to take a picture. I think the moment alone was pretty cool. So we were staying in the same hotel! Mick and Charlie were on the floor below us, Keith was a above us, and Ron was down on the third floor. Very cool. So we end up bumping in to the crew and backing band all over the hotel. I shared an elevator with Chuck Leavell, who's played piano with them forever. Dad and I spent most of our time in the hotel bar, where we met Blondie Chapman, backup vocalist, guitar and tambourine player, and '70s era touring member of the Beach Boys. We didn't, at first, know this...but we figured he was with the band as he was English. My dad and him got along well, and while they were in the bar they also met this guy whose job it is to basically walk Keith's dog. And get drunk. Dad's new friends got him a backstage pass for the show, so he was pretty pumped. I was upstairs watching Back to the Future II so I missed out. However, after the show Blondie gave me a Rolling Stones pick, which more than made up for it.
I got to see Mick, Charlie, and Ron escorted out of the hotel, but Keith went out the back way.

Driving thorugh Saskatchewan was actually cool, despite its dullness. It was like driving back in time. Everything is old, faded and dusty. I wish I had a good camera to document it better.

Wednesday morning Dad and got to meet Gord Downie at the mall, and that was frickin sweet. He was doing an interview at KRock to promote World Container so we figured we'd try for a picture or something. He signed my copy of the Coke Machine Glow book and I got a picture in. The dude is really tall. And nice.

Then Thursday I went to see former Kid in the Hall Scott Thompson performing his new one-man show Scottastrophe at Zeidler Hall, aka the Metro Cinema. The show opened with music by Magali Meagher of the Phonemes, and Bob Wiseman. Bob also played music during the show. It was my first time hearing Wiseman's music and let me tell you even if you didn't like it, it's worth seeing him just to ... see him. During Magali's second song I could hear an accordion playing, but I thought it was over the PA...but then I noticed the sound shifted from ear to ear and then Bob Wiseman walked right by me playing along with Magali. He strolled slowly down the aisle and then onto the stage, barely stopping to stand with Magali before continuing off the stage as the song ended. Nice introduction. The accompaniment for their sets would include traffic lights, old broken keyboards, and super eight films. Good times.

Scott's show was really good. There were tears in the audience, but most of mine were from laughter. I didn't know what to expect, really. Scott's pieces from KITH weren't really the ones that have stuck with me the most over the years, but he can really bring the comedy out of anything....even getting his house firebombed by what appeared to be Islamic terrorists. He hadn't eaten though and asked for someone to get him an energy bar, which a couple of people obliged to do. The moments he went off script were great. He's a sharp guy.
Afterwards he met people and signed autographs and everyone was pleased.

Woot, I got hammered last night with the boys at the Old bar, so I'm hella tired. Zleeep now.

Rock! Roll! Rock!

2006-10-06T23:44:00.000-06:00

Alive!

Tonight my dad and I saw The Who and it was crazy delicious. They are pretty good at what they do, unfortunately that also includes selling way-overpriced merch. At least I got a sweet new belt buckle. They played (mostly) all the hits, Pete had some guitar trouble that they overcame and yes, Roger screamed on "Won't Get Fooled Again" and it was gooood. The only thing that would have made the show beyond excellent would have been this old gem:

Zak Starkey (son of Ringo) was on drums in a gig that has to be in every way better than playing in Oasis. A good time for all!

So what does tomorrow hold for me? Well, getting up bright and early to drive to Regina, Canada's .... asshole...to see the STONES! AGAIN!

Once again, I get a Rocktober!

Scum Buttle

2006-09-23T19:59:00.000-06:00

Let's party.

EVERYBODY DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nose dive

2006-09-16T04:28:00.002-06:00

The world seems to inevitably be becoming a more and more threatening place. The world, of course, has nothing to do with this global village but everything to do with my day to day. All I have been able to sense of late has been violence lurking around every corner. It's like one of these days I will walk into some manifestation of pure, remorseless evil. What to do then?
When I drive I fear getting into an accident. Not one that I will cause, however. Then it would be deserved on some level, wouldn't it?
No, I fear someone just fucking up and driving into my lane or running a red light and it having nothing to do with me, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time...poor boy. Because you'd be helpless wouldn't you? Fate would make you it's own and that would be that...if only you'd not rushed to get out of the house, you'd have saved a few seconds. If only you'd not changed your pants. Everything at this very moment is at its most fragile. The never ending present.

Tighter Pants For The Guessing Generation

2006-09-10T21:48:00.000-06:00

Man I'm all like, fuck the internets! Neglect is the new model parenting.

I've decided that it is not the weather that is warm, but that my room receives a breeze from hell itself. How is anyone supposed to stay in their pants in here? I just can't do it.

Anyways, school is back in session. Looks like this is the semester that I must humiliate all those classes who attempt to fail me. At least one of them is going to pummel me into submission I'm sure. Two of them will be suitable bitches for strong-arming. At any rate, this is the longest I've gotten into a semester that I can remember and not totally hated being at the U. Sweeet dealz. All is looking good for now.

I ended up making a crapload more money of the show than I expected. So I bought clothes!OMG! Value Village was good to me, I found the original soundtrack to Star Wars in the vinyl section! Super awesome Darth Vader pencil drawing and Death Star battle poster included! Supere radde! Sadly, I also bought pants from a real store that were like $100. But hey, they fit good and I have more CROTCH POWER, so it's not all bad.

The last few days were spent, when not at work, sitting right here, neglecting the rest of the internet so I could read a cool webcomic called Questionable Content. It's a super rad romance type comic infused with indie rock references and name dropping. Watching the art style improve from 2003 to now was rad too. It's like two different artists! Anyways, the sad emo-type in you will probably enjoy it. And it updates 5 times a week! A nigh-daily fix! Malkmus love! Yay!
Enjoy or die.

Freedom!

2006-08-31T17:49:00.000-06:00

So way back when the Oilers were in the playoffs (remember?) my good friend Spencer and I thought it would be awesome to capitalize on the playoff beard phenomenon and also grow beards. Only our intent was not in fact beards, nor the respect that inevitably comes with them. No, friends, we were in it for MOUSTACHES. Hells yes. The perverse infatuation that began with me dressed as a Mexican serving margaritas down people's throats at a curling rink finally came to fruition with the sweet, sweet playoff glory that overcame Edmonton last spring. As the Oilers went further and further we had less reason the shave; it was great. But then when it was all over, something else came up...the play I was in. My director friend Matt decided it would be best to keep all the gross face hair I had accumulated, which meant that I would have until we performed at the end of August to shave. EEEEEE. In the time it took to get here, Spencer gave up and shaved, leaving me the grossest looking but also team leader as I had more beard.

The minute that last show was done we piled all of our gear into cars and got back to Matt's house for a sandwich platter. I went to the bathroom with scissors, and electrioc razor, and a Mach 3. I came out....like this:

That's right. For 5 short sweet days I've rocked a pervo stache. As great as it was...I look way too much like my dad, and that is no good for anyone. So today while washing my hands I grabbed the electric razor and got rid of it. If you ever feel old, grow a beard and then shave it off....it's like drinking from the fountain of youth.

OOOOOOH YEAH. Wow, I feel great. I guess I can't drive around schoolyards in a white van anymore.

It's over!

2006-08-27T03:48:00.001-06:00

Well, the Fringe has come and gone and this has proven to be one of the most awesome weeks of my life. Our show, The Power of Sedak(a)Sean, got decent reviews, and we managed to sell out a few shows, leaving us with quite the profit. I guess I might be making more than $40, so that's really awesome.

The best part of the whole week is being able to hang out with lots of the cool drama people from school without the pressure of classes hanging over our heads.

I also managed to get a good reminder of why I hate dating tonight. WOOO. Screw it I am TIRED.

Sedak(a)Sean is Go

2006-08-20T10:03:00.000-06:00

Well, the show opened last night and man, we kicked ass and got laughs. It was a very rewarding experience, and I was nervous as fuck. Today will be a different crowd, Sunday afternoon style.

Plus, a guy from See magazine was there so we definitely have been reviewed. My dad should've have spied on his notepad. Not much else to say, I'm just riding high. w00t.

FIRE HEADDDD

2006-08-13T22:05:00.000-06:00

I am a ball of rage.

It's like I'm drowning in this stupid schedule. There is so much that I could be doing if I didn't have work. I think a vacation is needed.

AHH.

When I get especially stressed I get an especially messy room to match. It's telling me to just go to sleep for a week.

TOMBS.

My Heart Asplode

2006-08-12T02:54:00.000-06:00

One great way to end a weird week like mine, if not the only great way, is KARAOKE.

The girl that runs it at the bar I was at not only proved to be super awesome, but to also have a super awesome twin that also loves karaoke. It was a good evening, and totally worth missing my ride to do a duet of "Take a Chance on Me". ABBBBBA.

The walk home wasn't bad either. I peed on things. Wow, I work soon...for ten hours.

NIGHTTT

Shit Goddamn!

2006-08-09T19:00:00.000-06:00

The heat from yesterday turned my room into what was basically a sauna last night, making it very difficult to fall asleep, which I didn't do until about 5 AM.

I awoke at 8:44, and got ready for work, begging for more sleep. I had my breakfast and shower and went out the door. Going down Stony Plain road I encountered a four lane roadblock put up by police, which I found out by watching the news later was because of this guy. So after taking a huge detour, I called work to say I would be 15 minutes late. No problem. I get on to the highway and just as I hit 100 km/h, BAM, my left rear tire ASPLODES.

Ch-check it out!
It looks like someone put a stick of dynamite in my tire. Though it is pretty fucking sweet, at the time it was kind of terrifying. Having pulled over, I then set about changing my tire and going to work. No one can believe this thing.
It's like I drove through a field...of razor sharp katanas.

I think I will keep it forever. Or maybe have a tire fire!

So now I need to find a replacement, and I will be spending the night in Spruce Grove.

OH! And, after I got to work, at like 11:30, I managed to lock my keys in the car.

I used a long stick I found in the store to go through the crack I'd left in the window and grab the keys. When that didn't work, I taped a fork to the end and twirled the laniard around it like spaghetti. GENIUS.

Good thing I didn't die!

Aside

2006-08-05T01:37:00.000-06:00

Tonight at work, I stepped outside to the front of the store for some fresh air. As I did, the streetlights all down the block cracked to life. The street I work on, the street my parents live on, and the street I live on all have had one thing in common besides me lately: the streetlights are all black. So tonight it was a nice surprise to see the white orbs alive and well on each lampost. Slowly, as a few cars drove by on their way to the Whiskey or some other shithole, the lamps grew yellow and strong, and finally, when I turned to go back inside, I had a shadow again.

Black Mask

2006-08-01T22:25:00.000-06:00

Well, I wonder what is going on in here?

Last night I got three hours of sleep before I got up to do the show. I dreamed that I was in another old building, but this one was well lit, I could tell it was daytime. I was walking around with a piece of chalk and writing on strips of blackboard that were embedded in the walls.

The girl was a painting, or an art piece. Unfinished and segmented into six panels, like stairs. Black ink on yellowed paper. More chasing. Fittingly, my attention is drawn to my radio show, however, it is for an afternoon show and my co-host is different. Then, I look at an old tv with a fuzzy colour picture and a Mexican television series, I think a cartoon, comes on with the title The Werewolves of Saint Jesus...bursting towards the screen...I wake up with that on my tongue. And hair in my throat, which I am pretty sure is still there......ack.

Black masks. White eyes. Mystery men. My youth creeping back.

If I can just pry a few things out of all this maybe there will be a flood of ideas.

Perhaps the answer to everything is to not sleep on an empty stomach!

PS - Lady in the Water is crappy, and I even tried to like it.

Cat Dream Puzzles

2006-08-01T00:04:00.000-06:00

Well, I just can't do this very well can I?

I went to visit my parents this weekend and walked in the kitchen to find....a cat. A young one. Eating. "Hello, cat." I say.

So I guess my dad opened the back door and this cat was just there on our deck. So dad took it in and they haven't really tried to get rid of it. And I know Mom hates pets, so it's kind of funny. The cat is neat though, and super energetic. It's all black...and nameless. I like this mystery cat.

Mystery is a word I have been appreciating more and more lately. I had a dream last night where I was running around all over this strange mansion, solving a puzzle. I can't remember much now. Maybe the puzzle was why I was there at all? I remember running to the top of these stairs to a red carpeted room. Something happens here, I can't remember what. Except that Satan is there. I don't know why, I presume he is the villian behind this, no more threatening than the Penguin or Stilt-Man. Then I'm outside, and it's dark and it's a city, like out of a movie. Everything is wet from a rain. And somehow a girl is there that only exists in dreams, and only of late. And I'm always chasing her. And she can fly away. I don't even know who it is; it's completely out of my own mind. Flying away. And then I'm staring and one of those old giant sized comics, with a weathered cover, like it's from the '70s or '80s when they would make these novelty sized ones. Then I realize that there are heroes in the wrong costumes for the era, and that characters from rival companies are on the same cover and sadly, it is this flaw that makes me realize it is all a dream and I wake up.

What are my brainz on, I wonder?

On my parents' street in the Grove, the streetlights are all out. And tonight when I came back here, to my own street, the streetlights are all out. Mystery.

JAILBREAK!

2006-07-21T22:29:00.001-06:00

So much can happen in a week, and if you don't blog it immediately, you just lose it, and all the words go away. Monday night I went to a Thin Lizzy party (!) at the Black Dog. I swear to god, it was my rock and roll fantasy come true. In a sea of Phil Lynott inspired felt moustaches and afros, I believe was the only one with a real stache. Respect. The best moment of the whole evening came when, whilst talking to one of the many hipsters that were there, "The Boys are Back in Town" came on, to which I belted out all the words (without being drunk!).

"Man, how do you know all the words?"
"I love Thin Lizzy. That's why I'm here."
"Oh, I just love them ironically."

Sigh....I know there is some real love for double guitar goodness....somewhere out there. They gave me a shirt for my efforts in costuming myself. Moustaches will get you shit! Write that down!!! Also, Spantser and I came to the conclusion that ladies should all have moustaches and sideburns that are removable. That way they could be cool all day too...wait...I think we were drunk then...

Tuesday came and I got to do my show all by myself again. Besides the stress, its' really nice. Although, I can't deny, it makes way better radio when you have someone to bounce off of.

Wednesday I got my shift....erased... so Jono and I decided to get drunk and watch Star Trek all day. If if wasn't for that Thin Lizzy party this may have been my shining moment. In life.

Last night I ended up meeting my parents to see a ... Queen tribute band....from Germany....and the lead singer is from the same area in Montreal as my dad so we were hanging out with them all night. The show was surprisingly wicked and included costume changes, and guitars that shoot sparks! Fuck yes!

The german Brian May and I got to talking about classic rock and we found a bonding moment with our mutual love of Thin Lizzy, who, coincidentally, once opened for Queen. Double guitars rule everyone!

I just got home from seeing Clerks 2. Wow. So this is probably going to be my favourite Kevin Smith movie now. It's actually funny, but gives you the emotional satisfaction that the other movies have been lacking. Even you, Jersey Girl, you ass face. Ugh. Anyways, the whole movie just satisfied all my needs as a fan, but not like Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back tried to do by cramming everything in (and not well), mostly because this one took the time to find the resolution we've been waiting 12 years to see. A natural one too. I'm glad it took this long to make. The new characters are just as important and endearing as the old ones, and the jokes may be even better. Or at least bigger...I'm pretty happy with it, anyway.

Tomorrow I don't work...if anything cool happens I'll maybe blog about it sooner than later.

Chad vs Tony - pt. 21

2006-07-13T23:30:00.000-06:00

SO/////

Today marked the return of and yet another rematch with ... Tony the carnie. My nemesis/Crystal's last action hero.

I didn't know that it was Tony at first though. FIRST, one of his friends came in, so I wasn't expecting to see Tony. Anyways, a guy came in for our cheapest 6 pack of beer, Mountain Crest Classic Pilsner...he is ten cents short, which I am fine with forgiving. I became a hardass about that when I worked at Reddi Mart. So he leaves, and before I can get back around the counter, in comes Tony with the bag I just saw go out the door coming out of one of his many bags.

"Hey, I need to exchange this. My friend got the wrong shit."

So he grabs a different, yet still gross, beer. I return the first one, and the difference is 70 cents!
"Okay, that's 70 cents, but with the ten cents your friend owes me that will be 80."
"Okay, I'll just bring it tomorrow."
"What?! No, you pay for the beer first or just take the cheap one you can afford."
"Hey man, I'm good for it."
"No, you aren't. I let you off before for the same thing and you still haven't brought that in."
"Yeah, I did."
"Well, you didn't give it to me and I didn't hear about it."
"Okay man, I'll just return this one too and get it somewhere else. And I'll bring you your 80 cents I owe you tomorrow."

So out goes Tony and I get two rejected customers in less than a week. I'm on a roll. So my co-worker, upon hearing the story tells me that Tony also likes to take showers in the central park fountain....which is only on during the daytime....when there are kids playing in it....and while he was changing behind a tree I guess he lost his underwear. Amazing.

Oh, and the picture...yeah, that's my mom, friends. No, that's not my dad with her...just a drunk guy. My dad tied his shoelaces together as he slept on the pavement. That's my folks...

Angry Chadbox

2006-07-12T23:37:00.000-06:00

A very good friend of mine came to visit me at work on Sunday. She too, used to work at the store, and given her great sense of humour we became very good friends. While we were working together, she was dating a guy who I could really only describe as a prick. Or at least a moron. But whatever, if things get bad, she can get herself out. She's done it before in worse situations, so I wasn't worried. Still, every other week she would be complaining about something else about this guy, and then the next day all would be well. Nothing out of the ordinary there, though. Typical relationship garbage, but we (as a staff) all knew the guy wasn't exactly her best choice. Drinks a lot, disrespects, dumb, etc. So the time finally came a couple months ago, just as they were about to start renting a house together, that things reached a head and she threw him out. She handled the change pretty well, stayed tough and held her ground.
So the past two months have been my friend's time to re focus and move on, while her ex just keeps calling and calling. All I ever hear about it is "He's being weird." I feel for the guy at this point, but I know that with time he will be fine.

But Sunday came along and my friend, with tears in her eyes, tells me that just last week her ex hung himself.

BOOM.

What do you do? That's pretty much what I've been asking myself for the past few days. Everything at work has just been a constant reminder. I KNEW this guy. I drank beer with this guy. He made me breakfast once and drove me home one time after I stayed over at their place. Despite his shortcomings, he wasn't a total asshole, but now, after this, I have to say he is a total asshole.

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad about this. But I feel bad for my friend, and I feel bad for his family and I feel bad for all his friends. Not him. I feel bad that he thought he had to go that way, but it ain't enough for me to really feel bad for him.

Bottom line is it's the worst thing you can do to everyone you know. All at once. A bomb going off. You, you're fine, asshole. But everyone else you set the bomb for? No. Coward.

I've had this on my mind for a while and It's obviously going to be bringing up memories of my good friend, Laurier, who killed himself six years ago. I feel the same with him, only he gets more sympathy from me for being a friend and being 16 and not, you know, 26. Still, I'd kick his ass given the chance.
I called her today to see how she is doing and when the funeral is. She's not well. Though she hasn't told me, I know there is a lot of guilt and feelings of responsibilty that aren't hers to feel. She got to read the note. Can you imagine that? The parents seem to have left too much in her hands, in my opinion. She's chosen the casket, the pallbearers, the music. Talking to her today, there is nothing left of her. Her voice was like the colour of ashes. It's not fair, what has happened to her and to everyone he knew. I hope he gets to see. I hope he gets to feel only regret.

I'm going to the funeral on Saturday. I hope the church is full. I hope he sees everyone of the people he hurt. I hope they get to face him one day. I hope he is prepared.