These Days

Wow, I just wrote one of my favourite posts ever and deleted it by accident. Let's recreate some magic!

I can't sleep...I suspect this has something to do with all the things I should be doing but have ignored. It's late enough for me to be tired now, so let's hope sleep's sweet oblivion takes hold soon.

Things to do:
1) Get awesome at cooking.
2) Finish back log of songs (ie - learn to let out words)
3) Decide future.

Things on my mind? Yeah, always. Maybe I should clean my room, or my closet...the literal one. Maybe I should resolve the fight I had with my dad instead of ignoring his messages. Maybe I should do something other than stay here all day. If it counts, at least I'm thinking.

I look back at my youth and feel regret that I never exposed myself to enough, that I was always happy with where I was and what I knew. Instead of looking into shadows for things I couldn't see I stayed content in my well-lit life. I remember thinking a lot, but maybe I never gave myselfthe roght things to think about. I'm worried about the future. I'm sad that it's only now that I'm realizing things that truly interest me. I can't blame my parents for that, but I really wish they'd followed or developed their interests, or found new things and learned. Dad still loves sports like he did 20 years ago, Mom is probably just as miserable or sadly, maybe less. They haven't left their place, and this may be attributed to my arrival...I don't know. Looking back, I see missed opportunities and curse myself, a fool in place.

Mystery is important to me, and I remember when I would feel it as a child, at any glimpse of the adult world I'd always felt I was apart of. The dirty parts, and by dirty I guess Ishould say gritty and greasy, dark images, but also the unknown. I remember stepping onto campus for the first time and seeing mystery behind every door. Mystery, art, creativity and whatever would make me think about things in a new, better way. Better is wrong. I don't know. Different is better. Haha. At some point I need to reclaim that mystery. I can imagine seeing with it again, experiencing life that way. Newness and change, I believe, will trump hopelessness and despair. I hate this place sometimes.

Good news, then, that I may be forced to move out of here if they convert it to condos. Haha, what? Yeah, I'll worry about that when I get to it. There is no love here, no art. It's here, just hidden really fucking well.

Records I've bought recently:

Pavement's first two albums, Slanted and Enchanted and Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain on vinyl! I had no idea they'd been reissued. So I haven't listened to them yet, but I'm sure they sound great.

My favourite Smashing Pumpkins album, Adore, also on vinyl, but with a sweet red cover. Pretty album, and it's actually been helping me get to sleep lately. "To Sheila" is still one of the prettiest things they recorded, but the back-to-back-to-back of "Shame" "Behold! The Night Mare" and "For Martha" is where the genius of that album always hits me. Unfortunately, the vinyl release sees "Shame" closing side 2, tearing it apart from it's kin's double guitar climax in "For Martha". A shame...ha ha.

Chad VanGaalen's Skelliconnection, also on vinyl, where it comes with an extra album to see all 4 sides filled. Listened to it once and liked it, but I need to give it my full ear another time.

Elliott Smith's New Moon, but I've been too absorbed in other tunes to give this a chance either. It's sad and great..."Talking to Mary" stood out while I was doing dishes.

I also finally bought Lou Reed's Transformer, which is excellent and I shouldn't even have to tell anyone to own it and love it. Also couldn't resist Queen's Greatest Hits, if only for "Somebody to Love"...what can I say? I like Queen.

Now, two songs:

Melanie's "Beautiful People" from any of her greatest hits collections. Great.

And from Chelsea Girl, Nico's version of Jackson Browne's "These Days". This song just slays me. I don't like to post song lyrics, but I think I need to in this case.

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking
These days.
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I've stopped my rambling,
I don't do too much gambling
These days.
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway.

I had a lover,
I don't think I'll risk another
These days.
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long.

I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them.

Hell, just go find it.

I like.

For God and Country?

Beastie Crumble

Looks like there is a new Beatie Boys album coming out in June. It's called The Mix Up and it's all instrumental. This one is called Off the Grid, and I dig it.

Whoops

I thought, for a minute, that I knew where you went....but I forgot what I was going to ask you anyway. But while we're here together, is everything going to be okay? I would like to know. I hope we all are

I can't take ignorance, hatred, bigotry...it's too much. I remember hating, and I feel nothing but shame. Can't anyone else smarten up yet?

Maybe sleep is better. Love, though.

PSA - RSR

I should have posted this earlier...like a month ago...but things were busy, man. Anyways, Calgary's own Reverie Sound Revue are back with a full length album ready to be released on the undeserving masses. I saw them open for the Dears in 2003 and was completely blown away by the soothing wall of sound that hit me. I felt hypnotized. Anyways, two EP's later they ceased to exist and the members moved to different cities. Lead singer Lisa resurfaced as at least a touring member of Broken Social Scene, with the other members also starting new projects such as Duck! from Calgary.

Now that they are back in business as RSR, check them out. This is their new song and video.

I might know what it is...I might not.

I am somehow desperate for human connection and also wanting to be left alone.

I should maybe leave the house more often. Summer is here kids, and I for one cannot handle the pants.

I don't work tomorow and have nothing really special planned. Why would I? It's Wednesday...I might walk to the record store...no wait, I can't buy things right now. The flight to Hamilton has been booked so it's time to save the $. What am I doing?
Will I sleep tonight?

Why is it so hot in here?

ARE THERE GHOSTS?

1 Day From 2 Hours Away.

So it's 2:30 in the am, and I have a show to do in 4 1/2 hours.

Why, then, can I not get to sleep? Possible reasons:

- I've been drinking Tropicana brand Orange Tangerine Juice Blend since I woke up this afternoon. The 100% juice blend must have me wired with all of its vitamins and minerals.

- I watched American History X right before going to bed...so I'm haunted by Edward Norton's swastika tattoo...and dead Edward Furlong. Captain Sisko is in this?

- I haven't left the apartment all day...so that's 24 hours in the same place and I'm stir-crazy.

- My new bookshelf reminds me of the monolith from 2001, or even the monolith from the comic book Earth X (which was a nod to 2001 in the first place) and am afraid that it will take me to the moon if I touch it...only since I'm not Machine Man I'll die.

- All the shadows are making me imagine scary ways to die. I could sell nightmares to children.

- It's too goddamn hot.

- I'm stressed? Well I'm always stressed.

I decided that Matthew Good Band's Audio of Being needed to be listened to. Not even drowsy, I followed it up with MG's Avalanche. I'm still awake. Someone help me. Songs all sound different now.

I'm going to London, Ontariario in June.

Slay Tracks

Somehow, out of nowhere, Matthew Good Band's Beautiful Midnight found me listening to it as if for the first time this week. I still can't listen to Hello Time Bomb, but everything else leveled me, especially Going All the Way, a track I couldn't have cared less about before. I don't know why I wanted to listen to it, but I put it on and wept with Strange Days and Suburbia. Good record, almost forgot about it. Ouch.

Also, I managed to clean up the apartment. It's awesomely liveable. I have a new bookshelf and my posters are all going up, so my room is basically the coolest batcave in the building, if not the whole block.

Looks like my old high school drama teacher may or may not be on Facebook. If it's him we have to be friends, considering all the good old times we had, where I basically ran his classroom for him. Sigh....sometimes I miss parts of the old days.

So if you can't tell, I'm bored, and alone, which is a great combo. I've listened to my music catalogue from The 1900s to Broken Social Scene. Now it's time for the Stones because the sun will be going down and they are the magic danger noize I need to hear, man. I spent Friday night at home drinking wine and watching Apocalypse Now. That is how we get pumped in this house. That is how we get pumped in this house.

Dinner.

Yeah Role Play

Crimes like these?

Interesting...

Tuesday morning I get to the station to get the show ready by about 6 am. I listen to records, set up my ads, and take it easy. Ten minutes before I go on, the phone rings and it's the front desk, which means someone is at the door...I answer: "CJSR?" "Hi, this is Colin, I'm here for on-air mentoring." WOW. So I had to train somebody on the air without having heard about it or met them prior. It was great! That's the kind of thing that makes life worth living, or in different circumstances, glad I'm not dead.

"It's moments like this that make me glad I'm not dead."
"Interesting that you would choose those words."

So I guess I will have a co-host for the next two weeks. I'm actually happy about it, because it will make the talking part of the show actually worth listening to. Really, I'm only in it for the music. That and making people listen to what I listen to.

Word to the wise: Australian wines, even the premium ones, are gross. Maybe not gross, but certainly not good. If you want a good wine, please do yourself a favour and get a bottle from France, or even Italy. They know. They've been making them forever. In fact, if you can get your hands on Bouchard Aine et Fils' Beaujolais from the 2004 vintage, buy it and send it to me. Do not drink it yourself, I must selfishly enjoy it's rich deliciousness.

Okay...someone tell me what I'm doing with my life.

23

Where have you been?

Sleeping. And I woke up still alive. It's lighter then it was when I went to sleep and I can hear birds chirping. Spring it is, then. So what dark part of me spent winter here, then? I'd forgotten a lot of myself for a bit. Afraid to leave the house, so desperate for connection that mistakes look like good ideas. At the very least, we learn. Right?

So I'm really back now. In the middle of winter a girl came running into my car in the same place as me, afraid to go home alone and also seeking connection. There have been no excuses to give, mistakes to explain.

I met someone who convinced me that my standards were never set too high, that I never had to settle again. "Holy shit," I think when I realized what I was feeling. By then, though, it was too late to change what was coming. With the end of April it would be time to go back to where you came from, with no plans to return to this dustbowl. You walk away, do I follow? When I met this one I was drinking a bottle of wine every night, taking maybe 30 minutes to enjoy the taste and spending the rest of the night enjoying the blur. My body can take the punishment. So I half-expected this week to be a return to binge drinking, but after she left I only woke up sad and focused. My hands were steady, and the last thing I wanted was a drink. This is the healthiest pain I've ever felt. To stay healthy, you can't let need take over your heart. Tips.

I actually went to a psychic yesterday, god knows why, to find direction? She told me everything I was thinking already. Maybe that is all the gift is...mega-perception. I don't think I'm going to school until next September. I think I may leave town for a bit. I think a lot of things. Road trips? I may take a job that will see me driving across the country and back again. Let's see if it happens.

I'm ready?
I turned 23 on the 23rd of April. A Monday, like the day I was born. I always assumed this would be an important year for me. I'm hoping it will be so. As a gift, I was given a box for vinyl records, Beatles collage style. Did I mention this girl is the first person to ever quote Pavement to me? And made me a mixtape? What?

Oh, and I have a digital camera now. Celebrate.