These Days

Wow, I just wrote one of my favourite posts ever and deleted it by accident. Let's recreate some magic!

I can't sleep...I suspect this has something to do with all the things I should be doing but have ignored. It's late enough for me to be tired now, so let's hope sleep's sweet oblivion takes hold soon.

Things to do:
1) Get awesome at cooking.
2) Finish back log of songs (ie - learn to let out words)
3) Decide future.

Things on my mind? Yeah, always. Maybe I should clean my room, or my closet...the literal one. Maybe I should resolve the fight I had with my dad instead of ignoring his messages. Maybe I should do something other than stay here all day. If it counts, at least I'm thinking.

I look back at my youth and feel regret that I never exposed myself to enough, that I was always happy with where I was and what I knew. Instead of looking into shadows for things I couldn't see I stayed content in my well-lit life. I remember thinking a lot, but maybe I never gave myselfthe roght things to think about. I'm worried about the future. I'm sad that it's only now that I'm realizing things that truly interest me. I can't blame my parents for that, but I really wish they'd followed or developed their interests, or found new things and learned. Dad still loves sports like he did 20 years ago, Mom is probably just as miserable or sadly, maybe less. They haven't left their place, and this may be attributed to my arrival...I don't know. Looking back, I see missed opportunities and curse myself, a fool in place.

Mystery is important to me, and I remember when I would feel it as a child, at any glimpse of the adult world I'd always felt I was apart of. The dirty parts, and by dirty I guess Ishould say gritty and greasy, dark images, but also the unknown. I remember stepping onto campus for the first time and seeing mystery behind every door. Mystery, art, creativity and whatever would make me think about things in a new, better way. Better is wrong. I don't know. Different is better. Haha. At some point I need to reclaim that mystery. I can imagine seeing with it again, experiencing life that way. Newness and change, I believe, will trump hopelessness and despair. I hate this place sometimes.

Good news, then, that I may be forced to move out of here if they convert it to condos. Haha, what? Yeah, I'll worry about that when I get to it. There is no love here, no art. It's here, just hidden really fucking well.

Records I've bought recently:

Pavement's first two albums, Slanted and Enchanted and Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain on vinyl! I had no idea they'd been reissued. So I haven't listened to them yet, but I'm sure they sound great.

My favourite Smashing Pumpkins album, Adore, also on vinyl, but with a sweet red cover. Pretty album, and it's actually been helping me get to sleep lately. "To Sheila" is still one of the prettiest things they recorded, but the back-to-back-to-back of "Shame" "Behold! The Night Mare" and "For Martha" is where the genius of that album always hits me. Unfortunately, the vinyl release sees "Shame" closing side 2, tearing it apart from it's kin's double guitar climax in "For Martha". A shame...ha ha.

Chad VanGaalen's Skelliconnection, also on vinyl, where it comes with an extra album to see all 4 sides filled. Listened to it once and liked it, but I need to give it my full ear another time.

Elliott Smith's New Moon, but I've been too absorbed in other tunes to give this a chance either. It's sad and great..."Talking to Mary" stood out while I was doing dishes.

I also finally bought Lou Reed's Transformer, which is excellent and I shouldn't even have to tell anyone to own it and love it. Also couldn't resist Queen's Greatest Hits, if only for "Somebody to Love"...what can I say? I like Queen.

Now, two songs:

Melanie's "Beautiful People" from any of her greatest hits collections. Great.

And from Chelsea Girl, Nico's version of Jackson Browne's "These Days". This song just slays me. I don't like to post song lyrics, but I think I need to in this case.

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking
These days.
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I've stopped my rambling,
I don't do too much gambling
These days.
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway.

I had a lover,
I don't think I'll risk another
These days.
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long.

I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them.

Hell, just go find it.