Death of Loserco

4 am now.

So hungry. Can't sleep. Like a crackhead, I'm cleaning what's left to be cleaned.

Tonight is the last night is the place I've called home for 3 years. I'll maybe sleep now, as tomorrow will be busy all day. My fingers smell like bleach.

Jon5 will be over tomorrow to help with the move. Then it's all LOSERCO 2.0, bitches.

FACT:
I've kept every penny I've ever found from 1984. It's like, I think they're lucky. I have two rolls of them, plus a few more just laying around. I keep one in the tiny pocket of every pair of jeans I own.

Weirddd.

Goodbye home. See you tomorrow.

Ramblin' ambitions

Long day.

Every Tuesday I host a radio show on CJSR called Makin' Whoopee. I didn't name it. 3 and a half years I've done this show now. Today we had a pre-Halloween special. My usual co-host is in Vancouver seeing U2 so I brought my friend Bo on instead. I like it. Playing music for people is the awesomest thing in the world sometimes, especially on days like today when I am inspired by EVIL to make a themed set.

Over the last year we've been getting a more dedicated fan base, and we started podcasting our shows via our website and people actually download it. We have dozens of people that actually choose to listen to our show now. I find that so hard to believe. For our fundraising episode (the joys of community radio) we pulled in an unexpected 3 grand, leading me to think that hey, maybe we've got something here. MAYBE, Colin and I are good at radio.

So this new found confidence combines with my love of playing music and I start thinking "Hey, maybe I flunked out of school for a reason. Maybe it's because I don't like it." I tried doing correspondence courses this year. Well, I mean, I bought one course and didn't do one page, nay, one word of work on it, and then just returned it. FAIL AT TRYING.
So maybe I should think about not going back to finish the degree I failed to get. Why should I do 8 courses at some internet school so that I can go back to real school to get a degree that I will not use to be a teacher? We're looking at at least 3 more years of school there.
Or maybe, maybe, maybe, I should think about broadcasting school. Radio. Full time. Imagine working at the CBC. Actually doing work in a field that I find exciting. There is a lot of thinking to do before I make this a real goal, but I need a real goal. And I mean, why not try this? I'm 25 years old and I've been working in a liquor store for the last 6 years. I don't want to still be there when I'm 30.

I can do this. Do I want to?

Thugs in Perpetuity

A date?

Not a good one. Pretty early on I got that feeling...we have nothing in common, really, and I don't know how long I can fake it...

I don't usually feel like I'm not the least bit interesting. That was neat.

So I'm home not even two hours later. As a bonus, I stopped at a record store and picked up both My Bloody Valentine LPs, Isn't Anything and Loveless. I'd been meaning to buy them for ages, and it just felt like a good move tonight. Never mind the fact that I shouldn't be spending on non-essentials.

To prepare for date town I spent all day packing. I took down all the posters in my room and it looks terrifying. Oh well. 6 more sleeps here.

What the fuck am I doing?

Brain Damage

Never mind, I totally got drunk.

I've spent the entire day floating through hangover land. One thing about the Garneau: the beer will kill you. That won't stop me from drinking it, but I know there's something not quite right about it. I like it, though, it reminds me of the bars back home. And the jukebox is basically perfect.

So today my landlord started showing off my suite. I didn't want to be around for it so I took off. I went to London Drugs to buy a mop, but I forgot to put my cheque in the bank and thus was out of funds. No mop. To kill time I stopped by the BIG MALL on the way to work. I do that sometimes. I don't know why. I really hate that mall, but there is a quality to it that I find very relaxing. I've been going there since I was a kid, and I guess that makes it comfortable? I don't know. So I mallratted for a few hours, looking at things and not buying them. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied on the move. So I went to some home stores, pretended to be someone with cash in their pockets.

I ate in the food court and watched dads have awkward mall days with their teenage daughters. I don't want kids, really. But I know that if I do, and they're girls, I'd be wrapped around their finger for life. What is that like, I wonder? And then the awkward mall days? The attempts at bonding? Sometimes I have dreams...that kid is in them. She's mine. It weirds me out.

"Hey kiddo."

Transport is Arranged

So I'm moving for the first time in 3 years. Back to the south side of the river, and that is good. I'll be closer to my friends and the Garneau Pub, in fact within stumbling distance, so that is a bonus. A block away from Trouble, but I think I can handle that. Maybe in the summer I can ride my bike places again. Woot.

So the fun part is all the packing I'm doing. Oh boy. I don't like seeing everything come down. I've spent a lot of time making this place my home. But LOSERCO soldiers on.

Tonight I'm going to run around in a corn maze. I won't even be drunk.

Sour Girls

Old blog, sometimes you do come in handy. Especially at times like these, when being alone is enough to drive me insane. I miss the way it was around here. Now even this feels like talking to an empty room, and if I really wanted to I could just to that here in reality, to myself and this nearly empty room.

Summer of Fail. I fell in love with the wrong girl. Or the absolute right one at the absolute wrong time. Time will tell on that one. I can safely say I've never been through a ringer like this. Not long ago, I was called "the emotionally unavailable person" an ex of mine had ever met. That's par for the course really. If I can make a relationship last longer than 3 and a half months then I'm winning. You see, I don't connect. I don't like the mess. I wall up. It's easy to date people, get bored, leave. I'm picky. I don't make it easy for anyone to get close. You have to work for it.

Then there's this one. Lemon Pie. The dark librarian of my dreams. Who bonds over a Kids in the Hall shirt? Slowly but surely I let her into every corner I had. Cobwebs. Broken glass. And she takes it all, every ounce of bullshit I have. And she doesn't care. And I feel so good and strong, even. As in all cases, I've never felt this way about anyone. And that is a good thing. You should never feel the same way about anyone you've loved. It's different each time. But this time, the access is a big deal. When you know more about me than my own best friend ever has, obviously I will think this is a big deal. When the access is shared, and I know your every detail to boot, well, I think we have something here. (Blah blah. I know how this sounds, just bear with me, the kicker is next.)

But it's been a tug of war. The whole thing. I wasn't first on the scene, you see. And my rival is the most charming of narcissist hipster douchebags. I'm out gunned, out smarted, and out douched, which I know is a big draw amongst the girls I seem drawn to. He broke her in half and still she comes back for more and more, forever, please.

I've argued my case a thousand times and find myself now out of words. Yes, I love you. Yes, you love me. But things aren't finished with him yet. Things have been ending for a year. Or continuing ad nauseum. A month ago I said I'd had it, that I can't do it anymore, that I just didn't have the energy. Call me when you're ready for something. And I could stick to that. But she had to see me one more time. And that is all it takes. "The difference between now and before, when things were weird but alright, is that before I had hope. Now, I don't. So why continue?"
She says: "You know that if we get together, that shit is forever, right? Neither of us would ever walk away from that."
OR - "So, hypothetically, if we were to get together, do you think we could live together? Would you want to?" "Normally, no" I say, "but with you, I think we could do it. I'd like that." "Good. I think so too."
Seriously? And that is all it takes. And here I am a month later. And there she is in Vancouver, and he is there, too. Visiting. Meeting her family. Her friends. I'm a fucking sucker.
At the worst of it: "It's like, my choices are lose him and resent you for never finishing it, or lose you and then lose him anyway." She waits for what she calls the "inevitable conclusion." I wait, too.
And still she sleeps in my bed, and has a toothbrush in my bathroom. "...if we get together..." Seriously? That is what keeps me here?
So she's home on the 11th. 19 days. And I don't know where I'll be when she gets back.
Without bullshit, I can say this: I love her, more than anything. And given the chance I know we would be something awesome. But I can't sell myself out like this anymore.

So I have a date with a belly dancing instructor on Monday. Who's "had a crush on me forever"...and I don't care. I don't connect. I wall up. Back to par.

Can Man Frisco

I just spent a week in San Francisco with my parents. I survived! And now I 'm home. This is the last trip I take with them. I just can't do it anymore. But the dues are paid.

My parents like to be tourists. I don't. So we did tons of touristy things...like see Alcatraz. It was cooler than I thought, I'll give it that. Did a bus tour...drank a lot of beer. I took notes , I just need to find my book. Hold on a minute...

Ah, yes.

I'm kind of tired of explaining it all already. We found a bar called Kennedy's Irish Pub and Curry House. Seriously. They had a large beer selection with like 4 different porters, and I drank them all. Delicious. Black Butte was memorably tasty...I had it a few times on the trip. The bar also gave out free pint tokens, which is mad science if you ask me. So many drinks...so much indian food.
I brought Franny & Zooey but only had time to read the first part. Makes me feel that peculiar kind of sad that only Salinger ever makes me feel.
Alcatraz...covered in flowers and seagulls. A jail, a grenade blast, sunburn.

Saw a candy store called Candy Baron (funny) that I wished was called Baron Can-dy (don't bother laughing).

What is with 4-D movies? Is this the new EXTREME 3-D? The fourth dimension is like, time, isn't it? Do you come out of the theatre in time to tell yourself to not bother going in? 4-D?

Day 2 was spent in Haight-Ashbury. 40 years too late for anything to be important, but still in time to see the '60s hollow legacy. Ben & Jerry's? Almost got to drink at Toronado's but my parents weren't down. FUCK. Did get to shop at Amoeba Records, where I spent like $200. Good grief. Some theater was playing the original cut of the Warriors, which if you don't know is the greatest film of all time. Parents were also not down with that. How did I come from them?

Bust tour. Painted Ladies (houses. Ahh....). The Bridge (windy. can't breathe.) Golden Hills. Beauty. I'm so tired all the time because my dad snores louder than a truck parked on my face. No sleeps. Gah. Text messages from Heaven.

Glory.

So it continued. Saw some of Berkeley. The whole point of the trip, however, was to see the Hip play the Fillmore. Wow. A great show... good setlist but an audience of douchebags. I was irritated most of the time. So the trip is a loss, I guess.

We played botchiball at a vineyard called Ceja, I think. That was rad. But I was distracted by messages from England...welcome distractions....sanity keeping ones.

Plane home is 3 and a half hours late....let me out.....landing in Edmonton once again brings that feeling .. "I don't want to be here anymore" At least not without you. Or just us, elsewhere.